.

My actions today during a group quiz showed more of my character than I had seen in a while.

I realized I’m still very greedy and jealous for my marks. Despite it really being a 0.4 percent difference on my final grade, I made such a big deal about it. I felt entitled, having “helped” three other people before on quizzes that seemed more straightforward, that I should end up with a harder quiz and with less people to help. How foolish of my heart. And how fickle it was. Who am I to deserve 90s and 100s on quizzes that were designed to be tricky.

And tonight, I gave up on a friend. I got angry because I forgot they had specific needs, judging them based on their capacity to write and help on a silly quiz. I didn’t ask if they would come to ccf, I didn’t try to plead with them. I didn’t even ask what they were doing for the rest of the night. I didn’t ask if they needed anything. I gave up. Ironically, despite being labeled as one with much hope, I stopped trying because I lost hope. I had  succumb to the idea that it was pointless to ask and that I had good reason to be angry or upset or cranky because I was hungry, tired and had imagined doing poorly on the quiz. But none of those things are worth being a poor witness for.

 

My heart is so wicked and so easily tempted. Oh the humility that I need if I am to be a light.