Five days of vbc decorations. Other things happened interspersed within those hours. But five days of a to do list and essentially basic art. And it terrifies me that my mind is capable of this mode where I can turn it off for about eight hours a day, task it with getting through a chunk of work and then turn back on. VBC as a whole is a ministry but nothing this week in decorations save for the playing of Christian music would even remotely hint that this was any different than any other camp. And the thing I know is that it could be more. That there is an opportunity to have fellowship and to do more because if I really put it into perspective, the amount of decorations we really have does very little. The perfection of a monkey mural adds very little and there are better things at stake.
This summer God’s been revealing to me more and more of what my life and time is and what I have chosen to do in a day. And perhaps it used to be enough that on a whole I was giving myself to ministry and the Kingdom by doing vbc that summer. But it’s not so simple anymore. Every day I choose things and it can’t be a relative scale anymore. Because I could easily be in a room and be the one who can carry a spiritual conversation but not even really be building people up. The point isn’t and was never to be the best one in the room. It’s easier to do that because it depends on the relative environment and you can play pretend. But as Jesus said to Peter as he asked about what would happen to John, it doesn’t matter what happens to them. Follow what I have talked you with. And this summer it is most definitely the theme of giving a life to Jesus fully. And I have been nowhere near as close or as awesome as I thought I was. This is the repeat line of the year isn’t it?
This week I’ve been making excuses. Saying that when I’ve covered the bulk of decorations then I’ll___________. Or when I finally have a day off to myself (which is not happening for at least a month) I’ll________. And we can say catch phrases like we could be dead tomorrow. And we could. But we reason with ourselves that it is the same rough likelihood that we’ll have fifty years ahead of us. So we go with the fifty years saying there will be time later to learn what it means to give everything to God because… it’s easier and because it means we can still on the whole be awesome if you average everything up. But there will always be fathers to bury and people to say goodbye to.
I don’t have many or any answers at the end of this post. I’m terrified that my mind is capable of doing ministry but not really having a heart there. And if I were honest this wasn’t new news. It’s happened many times before. My heart is still so in need of healing and transformation.
It is indeed a narrow road.
God, grace please.
The Unforced Rhythms of Grace 