(On a tangent, I am increasingly not quite sure what to name my posts. I am terrified they will draw attention. Most of the time they are random words and references strung in my mind.)
The topic of evangelism has come up a lot this summer both in the fact that evangelistic bible studies (not sure what that even means) are happening amongst the triads and there’s been this idea of living life in a way that suffers for Christ as a testament to non believers of who Christ is. I can’t tell if I’ve already written about this. But I will again anyway. And the phrase gets used a lot without ill intention, this idea that it’s not okay to have pretty much mostly Christian friends and not have non Christians you can actively bring the gospel to. I get the sentiment behind that. And as Sam put today, there’s also a type of heroic imagery there. That THAT is missions and the purpose of discipleship. I fully agree that it has its place. And maybe this sounds like a massive cop out but I don’t think all people are called to that. I’ll be truthful in saying I hang out very little with people outside of the ccf circle. In truth, I have very few friends. I’m generally amiable with most people and mostly get along with people. But I have few friends. So although I might even spend a lot of time in the ccf circuit, I would say I don’t have a spectacular number of friends. Woo infj. Deeply personal. I guess. Perhaps what I mean to say is that I doubt I do this because it’s comfortable and gives me friends.
The thing is, while I am totally down for the unreached and the need to spread the gospel to those who have not experienced it, I guess I am moreso interested in what our testimony is. Borrowing words from py, going on missions whether it be to our friends close by or to Manitoba or elsewhere, those things aren’t big deals in and of themselves. They are a big deal because Jesus is a big deal. That’s it. The mission in itself, though it may seem heroic and in the Christian community be “better”, they are not things that are a big deal in themselves but it is only because Christ is important. I have full intention to do the unreached people group thing down the road in that I do strongly believe I’ll end up in long term, less developed region missions. I am hesitant to say international because there are parts of Canada that still fit the image on my heart. But my, I believe, God given passion is to see people now figure out and explore what it means that God is a big deal for themselves. So yea I spend a lot of my time baking and visiting those in the Christian community. And while this is very inward focused… I believe there is still a need for us to spur each other on to a deeper understanding and struggle of what a life in Christ even looks like. This is not a a post to defend myself. I find no reason to. I think what I struggled with for a bit of time was whether I feared doing outreach. And I found out yesterday that this journey this summer of seeing many of us and myself still not quite completely sure of what a life given to Christ means has actually aided in my heart for outreach. It is indeed a challenge. I mean shouldn’t my biggest witness be my life and what does my life really say about Christ? Past the “slight inconvenience of time” used in church and at CCF, what has it really cost me to love Christ? It is a hard question. One I don’t have an answer to and one I wish to answer alongside others. Because it would be so much easier if the mission itself was a big deal. Then you can be on and off. But it isn’t. It can’t be.
It is a summer of learning the obvious fact (most things are) that our lives are long stories and we have much more to grow in. And so as I walked around with the children of Koinonia, as the sun was setting and slightly haphazard buildings surrounded us, I wanted to do more than simply hand out bags. I wanted to sit and hear. Perhaps there is a slight romanticisim of the situation possibly from hearing py and Carter’s encounter with Sean. But I wanted to hear their stories. To tell them mine. To tell them of Christ’s. I wanted to spend time with them. (maybe that’s why I enjoyed katherines. It’s about the telling of stories.) And when the end of it all came and I knew we had just delivered things, there was a bit of sadness in me. The same kind of sadness that pops up when I know there’s something more that could’ve been done. But hearing Steve was really important. It was important that I heard at least one story yesterday. And by grace that one had a positive ending in both spiritual and physical needs.
Today I met Sue and I didn’t get very much time to talk to her as she packed up, having decided that 18 inches of subway would be sufficient for her dinner and lunch that day. There wasn’t much discussion but as I crouched awkwardly beside her battling social fears, there was a desire to hear more. There was a desire to love her in more than a small physical way. But I gave into the timing of her packing and a reservation across the street and bid her farewell after a few sentences. Only mustering a paltry God bless. I don’t even know why. It was so cliché and I don’t even know what it means. I have problems ending those conversations. I wonder what I leave them with. What I should leave anyone with. What is of importance that I can say. Not that I would be important but that Christ would be given importance for them to see. Oh I am still learning that. Very much so.
I wish I could tie this whole post together. An idea that whether you are a zealous evangelist in the fringes or someone disciplining those in the church, they are not as far apart as one would imagine. That as God grows you in one, He also grows you in the other. And it’s kind of a delight to see that. Maybe it’s a reference to Romans 8 or Philippians 1:6. I am beginning to understand what I said when I replied that these ministries and choosing to partner with them are deeply personal. It’s hard and roughly ineffective to co opt a large group of people to do it continuously because…have they even understood what it is they are sharing. A testimony and witness of more than words but of their own story and life. And I’m excited to see what happens next year when saging is at least a little more possible and this kind of work has a smaller but stronger push.
That concludes my scattered thoughts of the day.
On an ending side note, I’m so grateful for these wonderful boys who have twisted my mind in not only their thoughts but on how to love them. I know people are missing. =P
The Unforced Rhythms of Grace 