Currency

Tonight we were asked what we’ve been spending our heart currency on. It wasn’t hard for me to see the answer. Because it might not be an inherently dangerous or bad thing. But I knew exactly what it had been taking in me. The idea of a relationship and marriage and all the things that come with it. I’d made the decision to watch a rom com late into last night, I had played scenarios in my mind, even compared myself to the protagonist, saying I wouldn’t be like them. Saying I knew better. I’d come up with an idea of an engagement gift and wedding favors. I’d conjured up a vision and a desire. So I knew the answer to that question. I knew exactly what I was spending my currency, worshiping.
If only you knew what would give you peace, Jesus said as he approached the city that would reject and butcher him.
Tonight I held my hands up during worship and I realized as I sat with my knuckles against my knees that it was an unfamiliar action. I’m almost always drumming on the chair in front of me or gripping something or just hands down beside my legs. But I sat there, fighting the biological reflex or curling my fingers inward. I would have to give this up. And I had a feeling that He wouldn’t give it back to me for a while.
But tonight was also when I started seeing the other things he’s put me in for what they actually have the potential of being. He showed me my Sunday school class, something I had taken on more as a “lesser of two evils” sort of deal but realizing that it is actually something of mass potential. Grade 7-9 boys. Just remembering what my little emo time in those years was and how I could help there. And the curriculum is about missions. And today I saw another part of the older brother in me. The one who loves the father’s things and possibly his work and just being in the things of His father. But he doesn’t love the Father. Not more than the things. How twisted my heart is.

So God, I’ve heard you’re pretty good at loving. That’s good. Because I’m not very good at it.