this post started off as one about character traits that I’ve been seeing in myself and it will continue to be. But there’s alot of other stuff that’ll probably be interwoven now too. It’s going to be choppy as this was over two days and as much as I’d love for all my thoughts to link up deliciously…they won’t this time. I don’t think they will and probably not at 2:30 in the morning.
so here goes//
Righteous anger. I’ve come to realize that there is really no such thing or at least if it exists, I’d rather not feel it. I think I’ve figured out what irks me about reading through the psalms. I used to think it was because David was so flimsy about his emotional state. One psalm he’d be praising the Lord and in the next he’d be wailing about how everyone hates him. And while I still feel tinges of that (I mean could it really be that bad? You were king of Israel) I realize that it’s the way he curses his enemies. It’s probably what was appropriate back in the old testament but it seems so strange. That he would ask God to curse his enemies while he asks for mercy and escape from his trials. Seems kind of….counter Christ. And in that way, while the people say they can really relate to David because of his wide emotional moods….I can’t because I don’t wish that ever upon people. I realize that I haven’t been angry for a really long time. It probably isn’t in my character since grade like 4 or 1 when I used to bite people. I think in situations where I’m supposed to be mad…. I’m just sad. I’m sad that their eyes don’t see. Though to be fair I haven’t had any like real enemies but in this day and age I doubt there rarely exists any hardcore enemies. But I’m often now filled with some kind of sadness because I wish people would stop wasting their time hating people or trying to find fault with people or even finding fault for things that deserve it. I wish people would see grace and how much freedom is in that. I’m still learning it but somehow by God’s grace I’ve been growing in it.
While we’re on the topic of motivations and traits I realize why I was so affixed on writing letters this summer. I was originally going to write them with the knowledge of a leave but who knows, I might still do them. But I haven’t started them and the fear in that is that I don’t know how to respond to people after delivering the letters. Because letters are like paintings. They are something you can work on and you can finish and you can then have people look at. It is a final piece and almost in that, it is simple. They are words that I would say to you if it was the last time I see you. And they aren’t cluttered by the little small talk or whatnot because they are boiled down to the core of what I would wish or leave as encouragement or reconcile one last time. But talking with people afterwards…that almost ruins it. Or rather it means I have to deal with the aftermath of someone reading the final remarks. Which isn’t bad in and of itself and if anything, it’s what life has to be. But it looks so messy and it gets so trivialized. So I have yet to write these letters though I’ve been writing them in my head for a long time now. Thinking of the things that I would say and leave people with. Perhaps…I am afraid that my own witness afterwards as I live will not aid in what I write. Because the writing explains and wishes a pure concept and I fear that it would be negated by my life which can sometimes be so contrary from those pure concepts. Like the fear of the phrase “follow me as I follow Christ” and instead I would rather say “don’t follow me, follow Christ” because I’m scared. And maybe with right. or maybe without right.
And though it doesn’t seem that way, I think the fear relates to the fact that I have grown very disinterested with church. I realize it more and more during times of worship. I’ve been to roughly 3-4 things in the last week where worship has been done. Musical worship if I’m being specific. I find myself not really being able to sing through an entire song or if I do, I catch myself singing half of it due to the fact that I know the lyrics and it just feels so regular. Or I play the game of thinking about the worship music as it happens. For example, chuckling inside as the kna band plays a song in an indie or whatever way. OH THAT THERE WOULD BE MORE THAN THIS. I know there is more than this. And I see the words and I catch myself singing out of comfort and I stop. Because they are WEIGHTY words. Like I can barely get through a song because I don’t know if I can be honest. I find myself praying more during worship than singing now and maybe it’s because I’ve recognized that I get caught up in the sound of my own voice but it’s also that I’m probably more honest in my praying than in worship. I don’t know what to do as a Christian right now. During lab I’ve gone to listening to good secular music for the past while or things that are mildly related and my mind just mentally processes them as “oh maybe that refers to something spiritual” instead of worship music but almost because I don’t want worship music and real honest songs to just fade into the atmosphere that I’m used to and words that I become used to. Sometimes when people become disinterested in church they leave it. Or they leave for another church. And while I can sense that there are definitely things I run to that aren’t necessarily great like the rpg that has started working again on my phone or the idea of watching all of community, I know they are purely escaping things and they are so worthless. So I do not think I will run off into those things though there is still a caution that I should cut them before I am numbed. Or I don’t think leaving for another church is of any value because…what I seek cannot be found in another way of running church. I wanted ground zero this summer in terms of not doing anything because I wanted to rediscover the treasure that the man found in the field and that was so extravagant that he sold everything. Because right now…everything is words but I know there is so much underneath those words. I want to know what it looks like (at least for me) to actually be free. Throughout the whole kna coffeehouse I was frustrated. I mean I love that the kids still have enthusiasm and they still are trying and that’s really what God wants, their hearts. But I wanted to see what they thought of what came after. People would be freed from their chains and then they’d just…walk off the stage. As if everything was okay after. Or as if they were free to repeat the same mistakes. And God seemed like an absentee landlord. One who makes something, peaces, or frees you, peaces and then shows up again. Or he seemed needy. But He’s not those things. And for the vast majority of the people sitting there that night, I knew they already knew the story up to the point where Jesus frees you. And there wasn’t a lot of time spent on just really what sin and being shackled IS. Artistic representations are cool but what is it really? I don’t know where to end this part of the post. I wanted to drop down to ground zero or disappear into writing a book or try and wait out a “busy” period with the hope that I would emerge on the other side allowed to stop and really think. Even words like “Jesus is all” which py has probably said over and over. They are thick words. With a lot of truth. But the words are also so numb. God I need life breathed into me. I have spoken words so many times. I have sung words. I have read words. I read the words over and over again in the psalms. But have they lost their breath in me? Because I KNOW THEY ARE WORTH MORE. I KNOW that the man gave everything he had for the pearl. I am a lazy double minded man. Wanting more but running so easily to other things that I know will only hold me for a little bit because I can’t find it but I always end up still wanting. there is more than exists in my heart right now. there is more. I want to see what it looks like. because business as usual just doesn’t cut it anymore. And so I wonder how to teach grade 6-9 boys about missions. Admittedly I wonder more about what their dreams are. And I want them to see. That there is more.
And as a side note, I can see God giving me a gentler spirit. Because I look back at high school and the debates we would have and now…I don’t think I get as riled up. And it’s nothing of my own doing but of how God has been molding me these years at CCF and humbling me. But oh how much work still needs to be done.
The Unforced Rhythms of Grace 