mimic

today I awoke from my innocuous nap time with a physical tear in my eye. not from yawning or some physiological nap related thing but it was the result of the dream. it’s strange how sometimes you wake up saying the word you did in your dream or in this case…mimicking the bodily function you were experiencing. Except in the dream I was pretty much sobbing.

It was a dream of goodbyes. The previous event had become lost on me but I was just outside of an unfamiliar house with a brother saying thank you for something and then goodbye. It had the feeling that it was the last time we would see one another for quite some time and all I do was tell him not to thank me and hug him before we parted ways and I began to sob in that really nasty, uncontrollable way. It’s been a while since I had one of those in real life. I guess the thing that perplexes me is that this wasn’t a brother that I’ve ever been particularly close with. Sure the last couple days have meant that I see more of him but…it’s not like I’ve ever been particularly fed into by him. I wondered for a while why I had cried so much, why the goodbye had meant so much. Perhaps it would have made more sense had it been someone I talk to more or who has been a guide in these 3 years. But perhaps…it would not have been. With those, there is the understanding that it’s going to be okay, that maybe we’ll keep in touch and I know God will continue to build them up. And then there are relationships that I…truthfully do not see myself crying over. Brief executive meetings and group work that knit us together and while fun, I would not cry. No, I think I cried because it was a work of uncertainty. In particular, this was a brother who I desired would learn something, who would learn to grow in trust and finding worth in the Lord. And I think that’s what I cried about. Not seeing that come to fruition and leaving it at a hanging end. Not sure if the work would be completed. People who I didn’t know if would be okay for. Because “okay” is not something that is really dependent on circumstances. It’s fixed in the point of Christ’s resurrection and promise.

I’m not saying that I’m leaving. Far be it for me to say though I think I’m slowly gaining more peace with the prospect as much as it is a bittersweet thing.