For the past month I’ve been sitting in a standstill and it’s not because I’ve been bored. It’s because I’ve been scared. I don’t know where I should put my heart because it has so many places it could be. So many places that I should be logically. But places I’m scared to start in.
There’s McMaster and all the people that I can still invest in over the summer. The most familiar of the many but the second scariest one. The easiest because it’s been my home for the last three year but also the place I could very well have to leave in two days. At least mentally. So should I dig roots? I know I can and should for at least the summer but the fear of withdrawal….is definitely not helping.
There’s Pneumatos, the fellowship I’ve been away from for a long time but who I know God has in some way called me to. Whether by obligation or the sheer fact that I’ll be back most weekends. Yesterday was nice. A small, familiar group and discussion I haven’t had in a long time. But I know there’s a lot more than just prepping some questions and talking with kids I already know. There’s a lot of out/in reach or whatever you call it to reach people who need a fellowship the most in our church. Not scary but a tiring pull of the heart.
There’s my other house. As much as it’s part of McMaster it holds a different place in my heart and it holds more weight and calls more attention. As this week revealed, I’m not the only one who could be leaving.
And then there’s my other house. My family. Ironically as I’m typing this there’s a sermon about biblical family. My house. I’ve been an escapee for three years. And yet as I’m forced to come home every weekend, more and more I can no longer simply ignore the fact that it’s a wreck. For three years I left, in a way giving it to my sister who had unintentionally left me with it for four years. But neither of us are fixers. Not true. By personality I am a fixer but this wasn’t something I could or can. I realize that even now I don’t really know what it means to honor your mother and father because I’ve never really seen them be on the same front and present something unified to honour. And I don’t know what I’m doing at home anymore. This day is supposed to be mother’s day, signified by a gift or a meal or a card. But as much as I can make banana pancakes and cook a dinner with my sister….those aren’t what’s needed. It’s silly to think that what people really need are extravagant flowers and cards. It’s never really about that. This is the heart that is the scariest, the most unfamiliar and the most time consuming. Because I know not what to do, I have no words of my own to say, and yet I know that it is by far the one place I should be. The place I’ve been called to since birth. It’s easy to build into friendship and even new people at Mac and to a harder degree with old friends at Pneumatos. It’s an even harder thing in my mind to build into my family. Because the truth is, I’ve never known how. I don’t know how to be a mediator because my sample size of what is happening is so small. Even this morning I could feel the words I spoke not be mine. I was using his words because I’d just heard him speak. And before I’ve used her words because I heard her opinion. I wish I was able to be unbiased and be able to present something cohesive… but I can’t right now.
And then there’s everything else in the world like lab work and VBC coordinating and the possibility of teaching Sunday school and welcome week stuff and musical writing….things that will keep me busy. Things that I’ve lacked heart in but luckily have defined enough tasks, unlike relationships, that I haven’t fallen too behind in them. There’s the surprise evangelistic bible study (for all intents and purposes I’ll call it that) which was nice…but again, something I just give a lot of time and thought into.
So as much as I want Tuesday to happen and come… a lot of things aren’t fixed by any of it. My family doesn’t change. If anything the possibility of being closer or farther from McMaster puts a particular strain on things, Pneumatos, at least for the summer, doesn’t change as it has always been a summer commitment in my mind. The only things that change are the familiar ones. The ones I can most easily put my heart into. And maybe one could say that I can do all four. I mean I’m technically in enough locations for it to be possible. But if there’s anything I’ve learned this year…I need to stop doing so much. Some things you can say no to. Some things, you wish you could, but you really can’t.
And I realize, the saddest thing about all of this….is that because I’ve been pulling my heart out of everything in fear of it being the wrong thing or the hard thing, I’ve stopped really praying for a lot of them. Because I’ve lost that sense of responsibility to them. This entire year something a wise woman said to me last summer has ring over and over. Only say yes to things that you will pray for.
I was challenged by a friend recently to love extravagantly towards a housemate to win them. Because Christ was extravagant to win us. The truth is, I’m finding it difficult enough to love “averagely” towards everyone first.
Father, give me eyes to see and ears to hear and boldness to do it. Thank you that I have no clue what to do. It’s been a while since I felt so distraught. It’s been a while since I sought real wisdom. She’s been calling in the streets for some time now.
The Unforced Rhythms of Grace 