it’s been a feels day.
with the mix of a lovely, honest wedding + a less honest wedding in my HIMYM marathon + a particular playlist on my phone, it’s been a feels day.
I don’t mean that it’s been a bad day or a bad week or anything like that. Some very interesting things have happened like finally finishing my child health project (long overdue) or getting insta-hired to be vbc coordinator this year or having a child offer me their mewtwo pokemon card as a farewell gift (which was super cute but I couldn’t take it) or a bunch of other things. But I can feel that my heart is still super restless for a bunch of reasons. It doesn’t help that I’m home. There’s always a strange feeling when I’m home, a feeling where I don’t really have control over my time, where I wake up and I don’t know what’ll happen next because maybe I’ll be called out to do something or maybe I won’t. It’s a different kind of caring than when I’m in Hamilton and I still haven’t deciphered exactly why. It’s always been hard for me to integrate back into my family as odd and kind of sad as that sounds. Years of being away and having your heart in a completely different place will do that to you.
I also don’t know what to say to people anymore. I’ve been sitting in this limbo and people keep bringing it up, with no harmful intentions, but it reminds me all the more that I am indeed waiting for nine more days to pass. As if that news will change the way I talk to people. But it won’t. And in the mean time, I’m not sure how I want to carry conversations with people. Am I trying to ween off things? Is it weening just for the summer or for longer? It was nice last week bumping into my sister’s friend and really just skipping over the formalities. The only question I was asked was how I was doing with the Lord and that…was really refreshing. Because it’s a question I also need to really stop and ask myself, especially with where my heart is. Reading through psalms again, I found myself unable to really relate to David. I mean the man probably wrote a lot of this in the midst of war and the world as a whole was different but I can’t say that my enemies seek my death or that the only sign I need from God is not to be trampled by my enemies because….that’s not where I am right now. I am not very much aware of any potential enemies or my life is not being sought by evil people. I am simply…being pulled all over the place by that figurative organ beating sixty times a minute or more when a silver trees song plays.
But it was also nice to see a marriage. To see people be honest and giddy and guffawing at their wedding. In a way, to look on with hope in the same way that God has taught me to look on CCF with hope. That He’s got a lot more for them and the work that He’s doing in all of us, transforming our minds and redeeming us, it’s going to be a while. and that’s awesome.
The Unforced Rhythms of Grace 