I used to say a lot that I hadn’t written in a long time. That fact hasn’t changed really. But there’s a certain excitement in me as I think about the fact that I can just sit and listen to music and write. A certain freedom in it though I know it won’t last for very long. I am, in the end, a chronically busy body as it would so appear.
soundtrack to this post. just have it on.
-musical
Musical has always been a very interesting part of my life. It was one of the first things I joined in first year along with CCF when I knew absolutely nothing about Mac (and still don’t). I’m not even sure why I joined. I don’t think it was because Joanne had joined…maybe Ben spoke of it? I can’t be certain. But nonetheless it came. Over the years I can’t say I’ve been the most dedicated to musical and I know that full well. But there’s this sense of familiarity that almost inherently comes with it. Something that you can’t really run from unless you try really hard. I find myself every year just smiling at the younger years from a little further. This year watching them do their dinner break dance parties and just seeing the great camaraderie there. As Ken would say, there’s nothing that brings people together than a strong vision and common goal. I think I’ve met some of the craziest people through musical. I don’t keep in touch with many of them and last night while we were kind of just sitting there I thought back to the people in our first year chorus. I remember their names and characteristics and when you don’t talk to someone, maybe that’s all you can ask for.
There are times when I have felt almost a kind of tension in my heart between musical and CCF. Both are pretty time intensive and maybe it’s not tension but rather, room in my heart. This climaxed on the night of graduation after the Friday show. Here were two events that were kind of climax moments. Grad dinner, possibly the last time I’d see a lot of people. One last go to dress up and take a ridiculous amount of pictures and smile. It’s a little strange that it all accumulates to that. A night of mostly taking pictures, as if they could represent the feels of the previous 8 months. One of a few pictures with my DG and it’s not even complete. I got there just in time for pictures and apart from a pair of white runners, I looked like I’d been there all night. Maybe in years past we’ll look back and I’ll completely forget that I wasn’t actually there to hear heartfelt speeches and see crazy lipdub dance videos. It’s a bittersweet event. As much as we got to have a more intimate kind of prayer session at our last CCF Friday, there’s always an amount of words that haven’t been spoken yet. Things that we should say.
But I digress. That night we finished our second show, possibly our best, and I had to leave immediately, unable to really speak to anyone about the show, my heart already fixed on leaving to get to the next thing. Through dark roads and bellowing winds, I fought a foe from an ancient time walked alone through a darker part of Hamilton. And there it was in my heart. Like I hadn’t given enough time to let my heart sink in it all and almost grieve for the ending of possibly two great things in my life. I make it sound so melodramatic and it wasn’t so. But it goes into the idea of finishing and leaving.
Last night we had our last reunion for the year. Watching the musical there was a bit of that feeling that it doesn’t really matter whether people are watching. Because years from now when we watch this (which is the only real record of our show) and when we listen to our recordings, I won’t remember that I was in tableau off camera or that I sang a bass harmony that wasn’t picked up by the soundboard. But I delighted in them. And however unfortunate that is, it’s okay. Much more has been achieved in 8 months than simply three shows and $11000. In the same way that I look at the younger years in CCF, there’s always a smile that crosses my face when I see their freedom. Imagining how their cohort, second years in both groups, will carve a way through the four years. It’s probably the most cohesive group I’ve ever seen in my three years. Musical is indeed in good hands. I give so much thanks to the Lord for having given me eyes and a voice to be part of this musical adventure.
-overstocking & the danger of time
I got so caught up with this concept of leaving that I think it made me do two things. Firstly it made me finish nothing. Other people will probably try to be nice and not echo these feelings aloud but I really think I dropped the ball second term. In…everything. Besides child health where we picked up the ball in CCF, men’s ministry, DGL, DG, ecomentors, habitat, it all feels like I’ve dropped the ball. I think I wrote this in another post about how I got paralysed and it’s true. I was so caught up in how to end well that I didn’t end really at all and it leaves a lot of things empty. I feel like apologies need to be given, both formally and informally to just about everyone. I mean the first up will be my DG and I’ll have to do that via letter now because…I won’t be able to see all of them together again for a long period of time. I’m grateful that there weren’t a lot of mandatory things in committee that needed to be done and if there were, Matt took on most of them from the admin prong. It became a game in my head of “how do I want to end this”. I sat on the floor of a beautiful student home last night and really just watched. I guess I’ve come to the stage of coming to terms with the fact that maybe there isn’t a great way to end. That if it comes to it, I’ll drift off like a whisper into the night, fading out. I’ve always like the effect of fading out in powerpoints over really anything else. As we had our final year BBQ, I spent most of that night washing dishes half out of obligation as a host but half because I didn’t know what to say to people. I wanted to wish them joy and all the best for their summers. But what do you speak of? I had grown weary of the little talk that we often have together of school and exams. Oh that there is so much more! And I know our eyes can see it like a distant shore, a place that we’re fighting for. But how do we get there? How do our lips begin to speak of such things? So in my quest to end well, I ended very little. I have become paralysed. Almost anticipating May when everyone has already left and I am left to begin again, to try and repair through paper, pen and stamps the lack of closure I have given and had.
The second thing it did, on the coat tails of the first, is that it made me become just as busy for next year. Correction, for an envisioned next year. Sitting with Matt Ho today, I realized that I had already overstocked my next year with hopes and dreams of things that I can’t realistically do at the same time. Even without ecomentors or Habitat I wanted to mentor and co-lead with a DG leader, to keep up with Kevin through his leading, to do chair support, and I wanted to year lead. And as much as these aren’t committee roles, I can already see that the first two items, if done well, will take much of my time. Depending on what capacity of school I’m in, I might not actually have that much time despite my emotional attachment to these roles. This is all on the assumption that I will be coming back next year.
There are mixed suggestions from people. Some have told me to move on, that my time here has ended. Like the elves who have sailed off to a distant land. And some, as well as the majority of my own heart, still wants to come back if given the choice. But either way, as I had talked it out today…I can’t keep overstocking myself. If God has taught me anything this year is that I need to give up things. I can survive a year of three execs and a desire to cook and clean and bake for people. But I only just survive.
The LORD is my shepherd; I shall not want. He makes me lie down in green pastures. He leads me beside still waters. He restores my soul. He leads me in paths of righteousness for his name’s sake. – Psalm 23
He leads me to rest because I simply don’t know how.
The Unforced Rhythms of Grace 