Not sure what’s happening right now in my head. A lot of…dullness I think is what I would call it. At least towards things like school and trying to find a thesis prof. Still can’t wrap my head around how to tell people I might not be back and it doesn’t seem right that they entrust some piece of their research or something to me without knowing that.
I think it’s beginning to set in more than before that I might actually end up leaving. And a part of my mind runs through all the scenarios, asking myself whether I really want this, asking whether I should deny any acceptances and just do accelerated nursing next year. And with what I felt to be a pretty significant slide in my abilities today during practice….I don’t know. I know it’s all up to God to put me where He wants me and though it’s daunting to think I could end up in the one place I said I wasn’t the type for, it’s not really my choice.
Other than that the Lord reminded me this week of just people in my life and how they are. Reopening my eyes to some hurts and feelings and in most of them….I’m primarily helpless apart from prayer and listening. I was also encouraged to begin pulling out a bit…in the sense that I should decrease what kind of impact people have on me so it isn’t as hard a blow if I end up leaving. But as I reflected on this I came to the conclusion as I had a few times in the past that I have very relationships where I draw support despite being in relationship with a lot of people. I say there’s about 3-4 people who I’d probably feel serious withdrawal with. Probably stay in online conversation but…yea I think that’s the reason why I wanted to plow hard for the next two months. Not because I wanted to necessarily draw much but I wanted to sow as much as I could…and I still want to see a lot.
The Unforced Rhythms of Grace 