through and through the week

It’s one of those nights where I don’t feel in any way poetic so this isn’t going to be in any way eloquent but who needs it to be. It’s not like med schools are going to read this. It’s silly to think they’d bother searching me up on Facebook anyway. 

I should have seen this coming. No, I did see it coming but I guess I had hoped it’d come after Monday when I could just drop dead and kick myself out of the house and go for walks. Because the past week has been madness. And it’s not like stuff is piling up or anything. True, everything got pushed back because of the OMSAS and I’ve been spending the last five days catching up. I’m not even fully caught up yet seeing as the biochem midterm looms over me.

And it’s not like things haven’t been fruitful either. DG was really good even though we were missing both our frosh. It’s a pretty straight-shooting group with not a lot of fluff. Like if I ask them, they’ll say it and I’m really excited for it. Tonight was also apparently good from feedback that people have said. Though I now realize the whole night it felt like the days in Koinonia when I would be leading a program. Because it’s this feeling of wanting to be part of a group and to be a part of building each other up. But instead I spend most of the night thinking about the next activity. And there was probably a bit of me that felt weird. I don’t usually plan “fun” activities probably because I feel there’s a lack of time already so I’m apprehensive to spend time in that. But even that sentiment probably comes from something deeper. Because I know in my logical mind that it’s necessary. That it was good to have this night and to know that guys can just hang out together. Maybe it’s the fact that I myself couldn’t really enjoy the activities. So many maybes but I guess it’s only natural as that’s my current state of being.

The main problem distraction tonight was my audition where I screwed up the song piece because I blanked super hard in the middle of it and didn’t recover. I probably pride myself on my singing more than acting and dancing, which I also don’t know how I did. It was probably that seeing the frosh gave me the feeling of being replaced because honestly, they look so beast. And maybe it’s for the best or maybe this is me putting way too much stock in whether I can perform. I find that’s the theme this week. Feeling disappointed in myself with applying incorrectly for Ottawa, finding that I cannot do everything that I set out to do, not finishing biochem in any way, being an almost total leech today for the CRAP quiz, not really preparing for DG until the last minute, feeling like I’m not doing anything in ministry, in other clubs in anything. Feeling like I have to perform to some degree for everything and not reaching it. And that’s why I’m tired. And my silly attempts to console myself do nothing. And this self-absorption seeps into everywhere. Oh the irony that tonight I talked to the men about sacrificing in accordance to Romans 12:10. Yet when I went home there I was, being so consumed in getting home and getting away that I did not really offer to walk a sister home. I let them go off because they said it was more convenient. Not that I have to walk them home but the way I handled it reveals a deeper issue. 

Love one another with brotherly affection. Outdo one another in showing honor.
(Romans 12:10 ESV)

 

It’s nights like this that I wish I could play the piano because it sings like nothing else that I’ve heard, the nuances and the physical emotion that drives each press.