I don’t know what this feeling of blankness is. Not sure if it’s coming from just waking up at 4:30am or whether it’s actually a blessing to wipe my mind and to refocus on what everything is for. Because what was made clear is that I need to step back and prune the things I pour into. And this isn’t the first time I’ve heard this. Part of it feels like I’ve been running from going hard by going shallow everywhere. Baking a lot of pies, doing admin, fulfilling needs that I see everywhere. Realizing that as much as I like to do, as a pusher I actually want to see other people push. I don’t actually want to lead prayer meeting. But I want people to drive prayer meeting hard. It’s been really good to have people come up to me and ask me to push harder with the men I’ve been given. To be honest, I think I lost of bit of that responsibility.
And as much as it was nice to hear feedback from me, it was a good reminder that God has placed very good and real people that He is developing to lead. That there is a good balance between say, the frosh leaders. And to see leaders who maybe I haven’t seen in a while or I don’t have much idea about their ministry, to see them passionate and as strong, gifted people, it was nice.
I’m excited for this 5 day break. I don’t know if anything I’m saying makes sense. =P
//more than 36 hours later
I wrote the above when I was in class after our wombo combo. It sounds silly when typed. But that time was good even though I woke up at 4:30 to go. I wanted to see these people who wanted to walk deeply and go hard. All of them. It was an encouraging time and one where I received some revelation that I need to have a tussle with. Actually, if anything it already started to sink in yesterday as I was leading DG that night. But it was also good to see other people speak of what they were called to, to profess it with their mouths. I’ve said it before. I love to see people who are driven. I don’t want to drive everything, I just hate to see things left unattended to and floating in an ether of irresponsibility. Glad to see the younger generation has got a lot of great brothers and sisters that God is really building up. I mean I knew it and we knew it when we picked the leaders fr this year, but it was a good reminder to hear it again. It was also just nice to see the sun rise from the student centre. It means something when the sun only merges with the treeline just as you finish up your three hour meeting.
The rest of the day would turn out to be rather heavy. I guess it can’t be helped when one is up for 24 hours in a row. Not really constituting an all nighter but probably the first time I’ve done anything like that in a very long time. At least it gives me a bit of hope that if I do end up in the healthcare field, 12 hour shifts won’t be so bad.
One of the recurring pieces of feedback I got was that I have to cut down on my ministry in one way or another. I can’t keep going around looking for things to do. God has given me responsibilities, words and people to care for and me doing all these other things is neglectful of them. I realized that I’m going to have to do men’s and not just let it slip by but actually pray hard, push hard and really seek out the DG leaders as well as my own DG members. Yesterday night was a good reminder of that. Being able to speak the little experience that I’ve been given to one of my men.
I think this year, God has been bringing back a friend house in the same way that He did last year with my parents. Just as I forget or just as I feel like everything is going well He reminds me that there is much to be done. I was reminded of that yesterday. There had been notions all throughout the year to pray for them but it didn’t seem all that bad. And last night the Lord reminded me that there is so much healing to be done there. Sometimes I wish I had the ability to break down as easily as other people do. It’s really been a while. So much angst exists in that house and it’s going to need a lot more than pies. Still learning how to be gentle. Being firm but not fighting for your own argument simply because it is your own, but because it is the one that God wants.
And though the ordeal was very much just that, I realize now that it is the first time this year that I did something with her. We served together last year and all but this was the first time we had prayed with one another and really desired something solid together. Something that I needed to be strongly reminded of especially because her role hasn’t been too much in the forefront yet.
The year is moving very quickly and all the more yesterday was a call not to let it slip through but to dig deep and to go hard for the Kingdom. The talk raised a lot of questions to ask myself but that’s always a good thing.
As a last kind of comment, it’s strange that my future role in next year has been brought up on multiple occasions this year. I had never pegged myself for med school next year but I hadn’t wholly dismissed it either. I wonder where people get the impression that I will be…what they say I will be in the upcoming year. But that’s not something to really thing about. One ministry at a time.
“Come, everyone who thirsts,
come to the waters;
and he who has no money,
come, buy and eat!
Come, buy wine and milk
without money and without price.
Why do you spend your money for that which is not bread,
and your labor for that which does not satisfy?
Listen diligently to me, and eat what is good,
and delight yourselves in rich food.
(Isaiah 55:1-2 ESV)
The Unforced Rhythms of Grace 