this will be a post to flesh out thoughts which is essentially all my posts because let’s be real, I don’t often have coherent thoughts in my mind.
tonight I had the career talk or whatever else name it has. I had anticipated that it would come from somewhere at some point. I guess just not tonight when I feel behind on VBC and a part fail as a friend. the question was whether or not I would get in next year but the impetus was a question of whether or not I would regret not trying hard enough if I didn’t end up getting into med school next year. I was going to throw this at the end but I think the chief fear in my mind right now is whether or not under all my nonchalance and calm speaking, I am just another terrified gunner med school applicant. That I will be someone who regrets not putting enough effort into it if I don’t end up in med. That sounds like an empty life. It sounds like the man who on his deathbed, broke down that he had wasted his life not knowing Jesus. but an empty and wretched and earthly form of that.
I had gone into the prospect of this year taking it as one where I could be…free. But in ways that probably weren’t quite what people were thinking or at least not my parents. I had taken courses that I thought would be interesting except for psych 1×03 because that’s a nursing pre req. I guess the ironic (is it even ironic?) thing is that all the courses I’m taking for “prereq” reasons are for nursing and not for med. That’s besides the point. I was/still am excited for global health innovation and sermon on the mount ethics and Hartley’s courses. I took them because I thought I’d be genuinely interested in them. Which is why I didn’t take a pre-req year filled with orgo and biochem and physics and all the other stuff I would have to take to be eligible for 3 or so schools that barely take out Ontarians anyway. You can see I’m super biased here. I had anticipated being a musical lifer, joining gospel choir, taking a dance class again, mentoring people and unofficially semi-helping in dg leading. And yes, I would apply again to med school and maybe become more knowledgeable about current news in medicine and whatnot but it wasn’t going to be a big focus of my year. I wanted it to be about people. I wanted it to be about building relationships and building into people and recently, how to love sacrificially on people so that it exemplifies and compliments the sharing of the gospel. It wasn’t going to be a med year.
I’ve written this probably at least once if not multiple times before that my mindset going into med school applications was that I’m going to do kingdom work and I’m going to do what I think…is a blessing to others and sometimes fun. I’m not going to purposefully stack anything on my resume or be “well rounded”. I’m going to take dance classes and be in musical and do nanowrimo because…they are awesome things in and of themselves. And I had hoped partly that if I got into med school this year…that it would validate that assumption. That I don’t have to be a gunner in order to get in. And perhaps there was a slight balance because I should have some knowledge of medicine if not in a pursuit of just entrance into a med school at least for the sake of understanding what the heck I might be getting myself in to. That I get. But I’ve been terrified of the notion of being someone who kind of puts everything towards getting into med school. Not really only because I’m not fully sure if that’s what I want to do but because…it’s such an empty-feeling life. Putting all stock and worth into whether or not you get into a program. And there are stories both ways. I have friends who are trying their utmost hardest and have thus…given up some things in order to pursue medicine. I know people who are super diverse and are super involved in other things and are still in medicine. This is the point in the post where I begin to get less and less coherent. I’ve seen two streams of thought amongst Christian friends too. The ones who will say that it is a gift to have the opportunity to apply and get into med school so we should do everything to honor that, thus putting that as their priority. And there are those who are kind of the other way and the kind of thought I was which was essentially that Kingdom work comes first and not to worry or gear things for the future because it’s not really up to us. I’m not condemning one or the other though I can’t imagine living the first one. I don’t think with any of the turmoil that I will end up living the first one anyway.
But I was asked tonight if I would not join musical for another year, join some clubs related to med, do some volunteering in…med related places. When I first started writing this post I had juggled the thought of reducing ccf stuff as if it was some kind of tradeoff. But I think I’m beginning to see that maybe I will have to drop musical or gospel choir or nanowrimo or things like that but not because of med school. What I have to ask is whether those things are for the advancement of the kingdom and if they aren’t…am I called to give those up? I mean anything, even kingdom work, is free to be called away from us at any point. And if I’m going to do those things…I need to kind of understand why. But they can’t be for the comfort that they inherently bring because sometimes ministry work in and of itself becomes comfortable work because it’s been going on for so long and you get used to it.
I’m going to end this post here. Probably with no fully fleshed out idea. As I told a friend earlier today…I don’t really know what I’m saying most of the time as much as I’d like to. I might happen to be right once in a while but I’m still…very much not sure and that irks me sometimes because I don’t know what to respond with. But what I know is that I don’t want to waste my life on the pursuit of myself, veiled behind outwardly pretty motives. And I pray I won’t regret that. And if Philippians or any of the new testament is a witness….I won’t.
The Unforced Rhythms of Grace 