Despite my better academic judgement I figured I’d blog tonight because it’s one of those nights where I can kind of feel the void. Or maybe it’s just the Holy Spirit finally confronting me that I need to stop. Rather depending on what perspective, it’s time for me to start moving again.
I think for the past two weeks I’ve unconsciously been waiting for May 13th to roll around thinking that it’ll bring me some sort of closure. I mean there are definitely things it would bring closure for. a thesis, future academic plans, what I’m doing with my lease, where I’ll be for the next years of my life. But it won’t give me closure for the one thing I think I want it too. Because it might tell me whether or not I’m here for another year but that doesn’t mean anything. That doesn’t change…anything and the reality stays the same. Maybe I want to know that I’m leaving and that would provide…some finality to everything.
I was prompted to read through some of my old posts recently. Having printed a book for it you’d think I’d get around to reminiscing and laughing at myself but that has not been the case. At least not yet. I say “I haven’t written in a long time” a lot and it’s usually how I begin my posts. Even when it was only three days instead of now…three months. I’ve been meaning to blog for a while but that’s like saying I’ve been meaning to vacuum the basement stairs for a long time too. There’s a certain fear to blogging. Because I have to actually stop and see myself and look at who I am and what I’ve been doing. I can’t keep running anymore. For the last while I’ve been at a standstill. I mean I can still run ministry and do things like DG, though I’ve probably dropped the ball on both of those things, and I can pray. But I can feel myself drawing from roughly the same things that I did a year ago and trying to still run on them. But they’re becoming empty and I…need to stop moving on the outside and start growing again.
The Unforced Rhythms of Grace 