Microcosms of dreams

I feel oddly very detached from just about everything coming back to Mac. And I guess it’s to be expected when you pretty much isolate 25 people for a week. I’m still coming to terms with firstly what happened on the trip. There are a couple logistical things that need to happen like repayment and stuff but for the most part it’s more reflecting on what emotionally it meant. This was probably my last year and though I’d have liked to take more pictures or other specific things, it played out a little differently. And then there’s the fact that as much as I would like to stay connected with all the people I spent a week with, it’s just not possible right now. Especially because I don’t do well with many friends. And past the having to get back into school work and prepping for an interview, I need to replug back into the ministry work. Tonight my Father reminded me of just how much hope and love is here at CCF. But there’s also the reminder that I have a race to finish.

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The first thoughts I get when I think about this trip is that it was almost a dream. A microcosm of society that pretty literally floats above my semester. From the outset it was very evident to me that I was going to be rather disconnected on this trip. Having sporadic jolts of WiFi while on the bus ride made for quite a bit of inner conflict. It was the feeling that I couldn’t have any of those cute, flickering conversations any more with people. And at first it had caused some level of angst because I’d become so used to it, to being able to flick banter at lovable personalities but also to be able to talk about struggles when needed. I wouldn’t have that anchor for an entire week. But I came to the realization that although it’s good I have such lovely friends and the Lord has blessed me so wonderfully, I have to be able to unhitch myself from them eventually. I might maintain one or two for a long time but chances are…whether I leave this year or the next, I will not be able to hold onto all my friendships. And it had been a while since it was just the Lord and I.

It didn’t quite hit me that this was my last trip until a couple days in. It’s not that I’ve been for very long or I had had the intention of going for three times, but there’s an element of finishing well that I’ve been carrying everywhere and this was no exception. I’ll say I probably had the most fun on this trip out of all three, partly because of the personalities on this trip and maybe it was simply that I was more comfortable than I’d been in the past. I hope the first years weren’t nearly as awkward and shy feeling as I was in my first year. But what does it mean to end this kind of thing well? To “soak in every second”? What does that in itself even mean? Was it taking a lot of pictures? because if so I kind of failed. No, I think I’ve come to realize that others will take pictures and it’s probably best that I just don’t try. That thought came to mind when we were on the tree. We got off the bus just to take pictures with the tree, hoping just to capture the fact that we had been there, probably only trying to recollect it afterwards while staring at pictures we only vaguely remember taking. That might not have made any sense.

“I hope this old train breaks down. Then I could take a walk around.” Jack Johnson came back to me during this trip. Part of me, when finding out that the trip might be cancelled due to the state of emergency + snow storm, was kind of glad. I would not have minded a full week of simply…nothing. Obviously I’d do some work but I kind of wished I could slow down. The feeling was prevalent all throughout the trip. Running around Charleston, knowing that we’d only have 7 hours, starting the 7 hours thinking it’d be too long and ending feeling like it just hadn’t been enough. Some moments were nice. Sitting along a swinging bench with darkness swallowing up the ocean singing Vitamin C and semi-lamenting that we would part ways not too long from now. That was kind of beautiful, to just sit and be with some of the coolest people I’ll probably ever meet. But even that had to come to an end. I think it’s okay that the building wasn’t “anything new”. My dad asked me after coming back whether the building was a challenge and I realized that it hadn’t really been. Having gone three times, even the circular saw isn’t a big deal any more. That part came with a good amount of peace. Seeing that there was always just work to be done. We sow into fields that others have started. We see the fruits of labour that began long before us.

Maybe the whole trip sounds a bit depressing right now or very introspective (which it was) but I can also speak of the fact that it went very well. Overall quite tiring and not nearly as restful as I would have hoped (somehow people wake up earlier than 6am) but tons of fun and it was delightfully warm and all those compliments. I had the honour of spending time with some really real and admirable people and though I’d like to keep up with them regularly, I know that probably won’t be happening and that’s okay. I think I can tell I still have lingering feelings from it because I still find myself checking the dropbox and sifting through pictures at least once a day.

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On the bus ride home I started reading “a mildly curious life” or rather, my old blog posts assembled into one large 200000 word document. I did a lot of smiling and chuckling as I read through just a couple but I also realize…maybe I’m not so different from who I was back then. I’m sure mentally I’ve grown in how I attack new problems and what stresses me out (not that much now) and how I pray and come before the Lord, but at the same time, the bullet headings are still kind of the same. Struggle with devos and resting, struggle with some feels and ministry. Never anything to do with school and as much as that might worry my parents or my colleagues may consider that irresponsible of me, I don’t think that’ll ever need to be a problem I really worry about. And this idea of “how have I really changed?” flows into a question that came out of our new comm meets old comm. When they went around doing reverse sharing for 7up they kept saying things like “it’s okay that you’re different from Creight, he’s more vocal and that brings something  but you’re a different leader and that’s okay”. I agree completely with that fact and I think it’ll be a good change but I think the main thing was I started wondering what difference I’ve actually made and what I’ve actually brought to men’s ministry. Apart from instating gender-only nights and Q&A and maybe shifting the DGL structure to be a lot more collaborative, I don’t know if it can be said I’ve done much. it goes back to the feeling I had on the beach as I walked and my footsteps made almost no indents into the sand. They tell us that our work will be slow. That we probably won’t reap the harvest that we sow into. We might not even see it if we come back years from now. But I think reflecting on this year…I feel that more than ever. And there are two ways I could go about this. I could be really depressed and try all the more to make changes, try flipping tables, get more tired. Or there’s what I think God is calling me towards right now. The past couple days I have more almost audibly heard His voice saying “Come and sit son”. It’s the idea that maybe not everything that I think I have to do is necessary or is as ragingly important as I think it is. So it’s okay to actually rest and not be running because as much as you think you’ll miss something important or not fulfil something…it’s okay. It’s okay to come and sit at His feet and just be for a bit. And again the promise of Phillipians 1:6 and Isaiah 55 rings true, He’s going to finish the work that He has started, it’s going to happen.

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this post is spanning three days so it might seem kind of disjointed and although I’d love to re read it and put it all together in a real cohesive way…this week just doesn’t allow for that. Coming back has been weird. Taking an entire week out of life and putting it into essentially something different has kind of led to not quite knowing how to reconnect with everything coming back. For one there’s friendships and just even the usual conversations I have with people. I haven’t heard from them for a week and as much as that doesn’t sound like much…it’s been hard to get to that point. Also people keep asking me how South Carolina and apart from writing a what I suppose to be a 1000 word blog post, I don’t really have a good answer to that most of the time apart from “good”. Really kills deep conversation =P. But I think one more thing is where I’m putting my time. Part of me knows I’m supposed to ramp up studying/prepping for the impending med school interview this Saturday but at the same time…I don’t internally actually feel that pressure. Most of me still wants to publish my nanowrimo book, even bake an apple cake after seeing I have so many apples, go to ballet and water polo and DG. Not sure if that’s irresponsible. I like to think that med schools want actual people and while hardcore preparing might be necessary, I’m going to take this like I’ve taken really everything med school related. Seek first the kingdom. So I’m still trying to figure out how to balance all this. I want to sit and to finish reflecting (as you can see this is a super disjointed account) and I want to reconnect with people and I know I need to get some amount of work/prep done. And so I’m back to this inner conundrum of what to do with my time. I think slowly I’m getting better at this. I woke up yesterday and despite feeling the need to do stuff and piling deadlines in my mind…I was drawn to sit on my bed and to pray/just spend time talking with my Father.