// in hindsight this post will make little logically flowing sense//
I sat in that sanctuary and I did not feel well. Not in some disease state but I could feel my stomach fold over itself, a tightness overall in my core. And it has nothing to do with the church, me doing lighting or anything. I haven’t been in this place in a long time. In a church worshiping with a congregation. The last I did it was kind of with CCF but it feels different with them. The time before that is was at MCBC and there….I am distant at best.
First song. Christ is risen. I didn’t write it here but during retreat that was probably the song I remembered the most. Apart from it’s high shout-ability, it was the lyrics of “come awake”. How it resonates with the idea of hope. Such a great hope is waiting for us people of God! Come awake! Come and live and see it! In short that was what God showed me about CCF. Some other things came up but the big thing was showing me that there was so much hope for the fellowship, his people and although I am sometimes frustrated, often times because of the men, it is because I wish more of them. It is because God has made them and desires so much more for them. Hope.
Here as I sang it today, there was still that feeling of hope and I wanted the church to come awake. But I could also feel the tiredness of this week kicking in. And I think that’s why I felt knotted. Because as much as I loved being amongst the church and serving, I could feel the tiredness. I didn’t think coming into the second week of the new term it would pick up so quickly. But between the three clubs I have and personal relationships, and the essay that hangs over for Monday, I can feel the busyness already clinging at me.
and so as I sit here I know what I need probably more than anything is to lie on my bed, not to sleep but to be in the presence of the Lord.
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God has a nice sense of humor. Because as much as I was apprehensive about this relationship at the beginning of the year, fearing that I would be so egged on by the other, it has turned into a very interesting, blessed relationship. Three hours in a coffee shop is new for me. London fog is new for me but a less consequential kind of new. Hearing each other’s hearts and what we hope for the fellowship and identifying flaws in ourselves and what that means for each of us next year potentially. Haha I guess it was called a civil conversation. Even insight on my own lady feels. Those…sit at the same practical position. Dormant. But that is another conversation that will most likely not find its way here. But yea, it was such a nice thing to see the desire that both of us wanted to see men and women grow and build up to be all that God would have for them. Funny how we each think the other is more suited for that hovering leadership. Many different ways that could play out and all of them just so interesting and so at the end of it….it brought back tinges of the hope I was shown. Here was a man I knew would continue the good work that God is doing and who really wants it.
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We are almost at the end of the sermon. Yes I wrote this during the sermon. I listened. A slightly ironic sermon because I think I have people telling me to not try and do so much with people.
The Unforced Rhythms of Grace 