Haven’t posted here in two weeks. Probably because I don’t really have much to show in these two weeks except for sets of three numbers. And in the end, what does that matter?
I guess it could be said that I’ve been waiting for this day for a very long time. Probably a month. And yet, now that I’m in it, I’m not quite sure what to do with myself.
I feel like I’m just waiting for the day to end. For 10 to come. But even still I have the urge to review last minute formulas or facts about spermatogenesis (I still known nothing about repro after anatomy and a class).
But I think at this point, the nerves aren’t necessarily associated with med school or not being able to apply this year. I know that I’m at peace with that. Whether I end up in med school, in nursing or whatever it is, God’s blessed me with a kind of peace in that.
No, if I’m to be honest, it’s simply the fear of failing. It sounds so darned cliche too. But I haven’t honestly failed something…since grade 6 probably. Sure there are times when I’ve wished that I could do better but if often turns out neutral if not decently good. But this is probably the first thing that has had such a heavy bearing and at the same time, I KNOW that I am not prepared. There are chapters in the bio textbook I have never touched. There are physics formulas I have not memorized. And ultimately I know it’s all a game of luck. My last two practice test marks should be reassurance, I mean they’re the highest I’ve ever gotten. But I attribute that not to knowledge but to the fact that they gave me passages I was familiar or at least semi-familiar with.
So really, it’s not a question of my future. It’s a matter of my pride. And fearing that for once, I might actually fail. Sounds lame eh? not that it matters what whoever reading this thinks. Unless it’s me from the future. Still doesn’t matter.
The past few devos have been about obedience. In accord with being one who does the Word. Now my own delving into the word for the past while has been reading through the law and how the Israelites are to be camped. I know the narrative begins again soon but that’s besides the point. I need to see it as more than just a reference book. Maybe I’ve been answering with it for anomia because that’s what I’ve made it. But it’s so much more than that.
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Ideally, I’d like to finish this post. But the night has already come and I think it better that I stop this now. Hopefully I’m tired enough to fall asleep…
The Unforced Rhythms of Grace 