Bit of a wrench

Tonight there were pictures of the fifty people that left us, graduating early to become doctors. I couldn’t help but feel like I had in some way failed as I looked at those pictures. And truth be told, they probably will make better physicians than I would be. But there is a bit of me….perhaps it is the pressure that the rest of us feel. I know that it does not matter where I end up. It is a truth that the Lord will use that. But there is a struggle in my fickle heart. But I have played this game before. I am no stranger to broken hopes and banking on statistics and wait lists. I shall not play that game this year. It is not meant to be the tune of my heartstrings.

This week has been a blur and a weird kind of oblivion. I’m not even sure I used that right. Projects are to be handed in.

3cc3 performance Thursday.
4pa3 report Friday presentation Monday.
Cabaret tomorrow. Conference tomorrow.
New laptop formatting Sunday.
Nanowrimo 30k behind finishes in 9 days.
Cooking for another DG.
Baking for first years.
Baking for ccf auction.
Ambiguous thesis land.

Tonight was inter fellowship praise and prayer and while it was a beautiful sight and a blessing to see a rally of so many Christians and the varieties of people that God brings together, I couldn’t help but feel so drained. Between all the things I had to do, I could barely focus. Having just come from leading a bible study and my voice was constricted, a feeling of stuckness in my throat. Oh Lord I am weary. I look onto the horizon of December and see it as peace but I can’t keep going like that. It will crash and burn. But I knew I needed to be more broken over prayer. That everything is welcome and should come under prayer.