HEARTheSound

If I’ve had to currently process this summer and give it a theme, it’d have to do with God revealing to me where my heart is and more of who I am: my tendencies, strengths and flaws. And it’s not like these aren’t things that he has been constantly revealing to me over time; I have learned plenty of the above things in the past school year. But perhaps it is the experience of being much less busy, or rather much less single-minded, that has opened my eyes to see more and to come to terms with it.

This weekend with the triads/quads(tbc) was something in and of itself. For one, not having seen them for so long I realize that I love them. And I might not show it and I might seem really strict about things like washing dishes and rinsing with both hands so you can feel if its clean and all those things. But when I look at them, my heart desires their joy and for their eyes to be wide. I desire for them to seek out passions and to speak boldly about them in the Lord. But I know I struggle with even that, having conversations with them when it’s not structured about the Lord in their lives. That the automatic topic to bring up is what they’re doing with their summers or what they’ll do when they graduate or to joke about the fact that many of us will be in school for a while. while those are different topics, all that show a different part of me, the fact remains that I love them. It’s odd/interesting that more and more this summer God is showing me what certain feelings look like in the church. Gentleness (oh praise the Lord for that one) and love (not in a perfect degree but a better one than I knew). And it’s not that I love perfectly. In no way. Perhaps much of the time I am restricting and patronizing but when I think of a word to describe what I wish for them…it’d be freedom. Perhaps it is because I have tasted it and it is good. It’s mind boggling but it tastes so good. some will attribute my finding of this freedom from my lack of schooling or some will relate it to a score I received on tests or courses. But I attribute it to the Lord and I believe…I WANT to see it in them because it is so much better. but there is also a fear that our year (like myself) has fallen into a kind of structured rhythm. That most of our conversations won’t talk about the riches of grace until we’re at a bible study and there, it is a study of the bible but we barely discuss how it rends our hearts. When I look at it, above the fact that we didn’t have a lot of  group games or hikes, there was a lack of prayer. We did not seek intercession nor was it really asked at my morning group what the Lord was revealing in this very day and age. And that includes me. I had become so comfortable with it. “we will have have a bible study on monday” I said to myself. How cunning and wicked that part of our hearts are.
The question was asked at camping where we would be in ten years. There are funny and whimsical answers like all of us starting up a clinic or some people starting up a bakery in ccf. But they are whimsical fancies for the propagation of discussion. The scary thing is that I can imagine some of us will wander off, grab hold of a job and even a family and kind of disappear, going to church maybe a couple times a week but having lost their passion. possibly never having grown one. but the future is not for me to plan or discern. and so I arrive at the question of how to love these people. how do I love them other than sending out a sermon, that while very demanding and questioning, does not necessarily show that Christ is moving in that way. long has it been since I have loved a non-Christian so deeply as I love these people and desire their growth. but the question remains how I love them and how to be wise with the time that I have been given.

I was told by a friend who I often haven’t talked to that I look busy. The news is not new but she said it in a different way. That she senses I am busy keeping track of people and everyone. And I realized that’s really probably what makes me more weary than anything else. I am a tracker and potentially a control freak that has just enough energy to actually go through with being a crazy person. it’s also verging towards 2am so this might be written strangely. But I do realize, whether it is simply sitting there watching people or hovering (I know this is not a good thing) over the dishwashing crew because their process is inefficient, I am a person who enjoys being involved in people’s lives. But not in some heavily controlling way. At least that’s not the intent. Execution is not a direct reflection of intent. I think part of it is wishing they would just learn certain things so that they can have more time and life. Maybe it’s like I’m trying to bring the level of conversation that I have with only a few friends and the MCBC group. But sometimes it comes as off patronizing because while some of the things I have learned or processes I believe in are possibly better, they are not always 100% adaptable to others. the examples in the past few weeks have been superficially the dishwashing method and on a slightly deeper level, the idea of wanting some guy friends to learn singleness and the peace of it. But there is a way to teach people for their good in brashness and a way to do it  in love and gentleness. And while the Lord has shown me the feeling of gentleness, it still has a long ways to go in all my other aspects of life. And if this busyness on my heart is anchored to a watching of people which ultimately can lead to my controlling of them, I need to learn to give people up and things up. This whole camping trip I could feel myself kind of always planning and being alert, trying to look out for what was the best way to meet the needs of the group collectively whether it was just doing the dishes anyway even when it wasn’t my turn or having a place to dry towels, it was tiring. I found myself checking all the google docs multiple times and downloading them and packing things with the intent of it being useful for someone else. There is an element to it that is wonderful and satisfying. Managing and caring for physical needs is my go-to when I am either scared of showing too much emotional attachment or when I am simply too tired to emotionally give myself away.  Perhaps it is almost a paternalistic instinct in me. But I wonder sometimes if I had not spent so much time on the things I did this weekend and instead perhaps chose to talk to just one or two people and really seek out their heart, would it have been different? In reality I wanted several times in the past two days to talk to people like Gloria and R because they intrigue me and there is the sense that there is so much kingdom-thought going on their heads. But alas, I did not spend much time with either and the others I wished to speak to. And it relates to the first chunk. Wisdom. Because there are many ways we can spend our time. Oh so many ways and as much as we wish there was an option to see timelines, possibly the darkest one, it is not a real thing. And if the Lord does indeed want me to continuing to love and serve in the way that I have, then to have peace with the fact that I will miss out on serving in other ways and that’s okay. Someone else is called to that.

there are a couple other places my heart are. sometimes I am scared it comes out all too readily in the tone of my voice and the gaze of my eyes. they become soft and speak to something I should not be letting out. I fear them for they seem to be the death of me and will cause others to stumble.

The summer also has taught me where my heart is not. It is not in research and while the pursuit of new answers and that sort is a noble goal, I realize I have very little love for it. I’m most excited for the global health innovation course next year. I also have very little desire for arguments now, even to come up with things like theology tests for people. I found myself seeing a lot of that in 1 Timothy: the putting away of desiring topics and discussions that we know far little about, instead caring for widows, relearning and developing core disciplines because those build up the church.

I have also been questioning myself in line with the idea of suffering for the gospel just how much I’m willing to give up in the moment. Because unlike a friend who can give up everything now but puts limitations on the future (like not ending up in China), I struggle with the exact opposite. My lessons of giving up things have been future related. They have been of giving up a comfortable life in Toronto/any urban area, potentially being called away to some place random, potentially not ever having a family of my own or a wife. And these things, while they have are not upon me as readily as what I shall eat for the next day, I have learned to have less clenched hands for. but this week I spent pretty much at least three days doing nothing but edit a novel that is more for selfish gain than for anyone else. I sat in my room, reading through over 200 pages. I could have spent more of that time cleaning out the fridge, making dinner for some nights, planning VBC decorations, heck even doing lab work. But I chose to edit a novel, for a deadline more or less set by myself. And I had/have to ask whether or not it was a wise use of my time. That while it will produce a pretty, self-accomplishing book that I can talk about at interviews and tell people about, did I fail to really give myself to Christ and His kingdom first this week?

in a complete side note, I saw real fireflies for the first time. they are a beautiful mystery. there is a wonder to the fact that you don’t know where it will show up next and shine brightly for just a moment.

//in unnecessary news:

the freezer chest will be staying and nobody will need to take on finances
letters will only be written to a few (and even then I don’t know how)
apparently there is a tech guide to be written for a certain 4×03
my abode next year will be the batcave of ward
the zombie apocalypse warning in Kingston should be turned to abysmal
I’m back at Mac for a fourth year.

I am glad that I will be spending another year with these people. although I would have never pegged or would have foreseen that I would look upon all of them with a heart, it has happened that I do.