Setting Your Mind On Things Above

It’s a very straight and hard devo especially in a time where I read reviews and comments so much. 

 

The notion that Christians should always be optimistic and congenial is heresy pure and simple. An ill-founded optimism may, under certain conditions, be extremely harmful. A Christian is not obliged to be either pessimistic or optimistic or glad or sad or positive or negative after a preconceived rule of philosophy. He should (and will if he is Spirit-taught) reflect the will of God in any given situation. His one concern is with God’s will. His one question in any set of circumstances is “What does God think of this?” To him nothing else matters. What the current popular attitude may be is of no importance to him. He will approve or disapprove altogether as the written Word and the indwelling Spirit indicate. Religious vogues, passing moods or popular notions will affect him not at all. His heart is fixed, trusting in the Lord. This rather rigid attitude will, in a world like ours, quite naturally work against the one who holds it and earn him a reputation as a pessimist. People like the man who agrees with them, even if a day later they change their minds and require him to change his, too. This inconsistency they laugh off as an amiable weakness, and why be so pious about it anyway? Well, the sons and daughters of eternity care very little about this maypole dance of popular favor. Like the water bird on the shore of the lake at the approach of winter, they feel within them a strong instinct to migrate. They expect before long to take off on a journey and they’re not coming back soon. So whether they leave behind them a reputation for pessimism or optimism is of little consequence to them. They are, however, eager to be remembered as children of God and followers of the Lamb. That’s all that matters to them. – Tozer Devotional

Standing in front of a field

Do not be deceived: God is not mocked, for whatever one sows, that will he also reap. For the one who sows to his own flesh will from the flesh reap corruption, but the one who sows to the Spirit will from the Spirit reap eternal life. And let us not grow weary of doing good, for in due season we will reap, if we do not give up. – Galatians 6:7-9

I think today’s little worship team sharing brought a lot of clarity into my current spiritual condition. The idea of sowing hasn’t been my attitude. And it’s not to say I’ve been doing "bad" things in the most traditional sense. But what a stupid way to live. Not doing much anything. And I already kind of knew it. I knew that this drifting around each day, watching a movie once in a while, writing a practice test, watching some youtube videos. There have been good aspects of my day. I’ve become more disciplined in reading international news. But at the same time, it has sprouted not necessarily a heart of prayer for the regions of Egypt, Israel, Syria. Instead it’s moreso stacked on knowledge. Which is…fleeting. The reason why I wanted to be more informed was so I could pray for the brothers around the world. But I haven’t been building into that. And it’s almost silly because I can see the importance of sowing into other things long term. I get excited over coming up with characters and a plot for a story I’m writing 4 months from now. Going to lengths to search up pictures of michael cera and tween girls (I am not a creeper). Or I can see the benefit of drilling through practice tests every other day and orgo and physics.

Today the theology of future grace was also spoken of. That we have faith not only because of what Jesus did in the past. But because of what He promises as well. And that’s the idea of sowing isn’t it. That we sow because we see/have faith that something will come out of it. And God has so clearly promised that if we seek Him, if we sow into His kingdom, there is a reward so much greater. I think I’ve lost sight of that due season. Because that due season isn’t immediate. It’s not 4 months from now. 1 month from now. It could be years. And even when it sprouts it requires carrying and tending to. But those things only seem like chores when we see them that way. There is fruit to be gained, lessons to be learned and a joy in even the physical idea of gardening. How much more then from the kingdom’s field.

//

I will end with this which we read in Pneumatos tonight.
From the mind of a man who’s nature was like ours:

One thing have I asked of the LORD,
that will I seek after:
that I may dwell in the house of the LORD
all the days of my life,
to gaze upon the beauty of the LORD
and to inquire in his temple.
– Psalm 27:4 ESV

Unclean

In the theme of what I’m reading in Leviticus about uncleanliness. But seriously, I’m sick. Or at least have the beginnings of sickness. Yaaayy.
It’s been a while since I posted. Maybe it’s because I wanted conditions to be better. As always. But I realize that as I type and blog, I let some of that fear and shame go. And I figure that’s probably a good thing.
It’s not that the time at home is necessarily going badly. As scheduled, I’ve been doing a practice test every other day with pretty decent scores. I probably shouldn’t be fretting over the verbal score considering the sciences have actually managed to improve. My studying is slower than I had anticipated with the electricity and magnetism unit taking a whole lot more time than I had imagined (3 days) due to its sheer horribleness (don’t even know if that’s a word =P )
I guess it felt more like nothing was exciting and worth writing about. But that’s not really true either.

I hadn’t realized it earlier but God put some things together in the past couple days that I needed to hear. The pack of tozer devotionals that had come out in the past couple days was about being able to see the needs of the people and prophetically teach the truth that they needed to most hear. At the same time, I was compiling a list of things that I wanted to see the men in CCF grow in. Things like being more global minded and discovering the responsibility and power that is given to us by our titles as sons of God. I think all of these things in themselves were good things. What I wanted to do was to create a kind of similar vision in which all of the DGs would follow to some degree. They would be one or two things that would be shared amongst the DGs, leaving plenty of room for individual style and personalized things. I guess I wanted the men of the fellowship to be able to speak of similarities and commonalities in their growing so that they could build off one another. But as I talked to Matt about it, what he said was true. We can encourage these things, but it’s better that a DG leader leads out of what he is passionate about. In an ideal world we would all be passionate about all good things.
But it’s like Tozer said, each DG leader should look upon his own DG and see what truth needs to be revealed. And so maybe those are things that we’ll end up doing in our big men’s group that happens once in a while. I think I’d still love to explore basic manhood with all the guys. But the modified directive would be to have a vision. To look at your DGs, seek the Lord’s will and then drive for it. Not to do something for half a year and then just chill for the next. Once in a while it was nice to have the “let’s just talk” DGs but I think it was also richly rewarding to have nights where Ben or someone had something to bring and wanted to teach. I think I’ve gotten to ranting. In short, my zeal for wanting a common vision needed to be tweaked. And it was done in very good timing.

Apart from that there have been a few things here and there. Some reminders of family. Some playing of Anomia and finding that we were doing it wrong all along =P (but the wrong way is definitely more fun). In addition, I have begun constructing the plot and characters for nanowrimo. That’ll be…fun. =P I’m actually looking forward to it so much. Post med school apps. Pre exams. Easier semester. Come to think of it, I probably won’t blog very much as I’ll probably be sick of writing that month =P

Anyhow, I should probably get some sleep.

a break from the listlessness

some of the best nights are those that we plan for the least 

Yesterday marked the beginning of my “get it together and do MCAT” stretch. It started…roughly alright with a test in the morning, showing overall improvement and then reviewing it. After that though it was pretty much nothing else MCAT related. I did manage to get a bit of South Carolina trip planning in. Not much to be done there until at least August but good to know. These past two days have really been pushing through a lot of distractions. To be quite honest, I’m not sure where it’s all going. Scrubs has ended so TV isn’t it. 

Camping wasn’t quite as restful as I had hoped it to be. I guess I wished there was just a lot of downtown, time to write, time to really just sit there and think. But alas, that would probably require something like a week and a place with less people. There was a good deal of hiking though it was often ruined by my need to defecate. I think one of the main things, amidst all the nature exploring, was getting to know Pastor Kevin and Shawna. It was wonderful to see their heart for MCBC and how much they care and what their vision is. I know I’m not back here often during the year but I’m glad for what they’ve brought. It’s been a while since I felt that our English congregation was being driven with some considerable force. 

But having that trip more tiring than restful I think has left me in a place where I’m still kind of longing for some rest to get it together. Being at home is not without its constraints. I had driving lessons today which are not entirely eventful except for the fact that I am finally learning to drive on the highway. That’ll probably come in handy on our proposed future road trip =P. I think what I wish for more than quite anything right now is some time to gather and process what is happening right now. I started writing the story but to be honest, the first chapter was the easiest one because it was the most impersonal and was more comedic than anything else. I too have to learn to accept writing badly. 

But this night was most definitely a blessing. It was refreshing. There were moments of foolishness, playing it off and then just being together. I think sometimes I’m scared that with our reduced face time we’re not as close. And I don’t know if that’s true but I do know that spending time with these people is one of the most valuable things that God has given me in these last 6 years. I’ve never quite thought about it but when py said it, it made a lot of sense. I don’t know what it’d be like if I hadn’t been friends with these people. It’s been such a blessing to have them anchor me and for us to challenge each other through Koinonia serving and now into university. And then talking about the future. Where we’ll kind of end of. Some of it’s silly but nonetheless it was kind of nice sharing in that pondering. The dreaming for the future but understanding the growth that needs to happen now. 

// as a quick note, in my reading of Exodus, God emphasizes the fact that He has given skill to those who can build and who can spin in order that they would bring Him glory and create the most worthy tent of meeting. An allusion to gifts even before the usual spiritual gifts verse. A reminder that a lot of the new testament is an extension of the old and thus, all the more reason to study it. 

Well I’m an hour past my bed time. What’s new. 

Glimpse into the past

Tonight we ventured out into the parking lot and looked at stars. It may have been short lived but a really crazy but true observation was made by Sam. For one, there was a surreal number of stars. And secondly, when we look at them, we are looking into the past. It took thousands of light-years for the light from those stars to reach us. Those stars might not even exist anymore. And so we were actually taking a glimpse into history.
On a quick side (about to sleep), it turns out this trip was altogether not as restful as I had thought it would be.

Keepsakes and history

As I read through Exodus, a couple things seem to recur over and over again. I think when most people talk about the majority of the Pentateuch, its in the context of the multitude of rules that are spoken and laid down.
But before I hit that part I realize God does a lot for remembrance. He knows that they will forget. Even as they leave Egypt they forget the fact that they were flanked by a pillar of fire. So quickly they forget. Even Eve as we study the fall again in Pneumatos, she so quickly adds a commandment to God’s word.
So doesn’t it seem so fitting that God should command His people to keep manna and to build altars and to tell their generations about it. To keep festivals like the passover. Because we are a fickle people. Hearts that run away and eyes that lose sight so quickly.
So as much as I desired for it to be a literary challenge and cute for one day telling my significant other, more importantly, it’s a testimony. And one that I shall find myself doing in the next sixty days.

On another Exodus note, I now see why people talk of the commandments and specificity of God’s commandments. But if you think about it, God is not a lacsidassical God. Everything that he created has purpose. The rules associated with the universe are so specific. Looking at all the sciences for MCAT that’s a pretty quick conclusion. So doesn’t it follow that His commandments should be specific? And it’s actually really cool how He weaves His creation into the to-be tabernacle. How the lamp stand is supposed to look like almond blossoms the way He designed them. And a reminder that it is He who infused skill to those who spin that they would be able to make the best out of Israel.

On a completely different note, I’m really excited for musical this year :) I know I’m leaving soon but the story is finally coming together. I love origin stories. That seems to be a recurring element of the summer. How people become people. How people become nations.

end of the third age

the end of an era is approaching. so many expectations for this summer and being around people so often and with so much time. but the more I think about it, the more I realize that a summer alone (or at least away from CCF people) is not a bad thing. Maybe it comes from the feeling I had of wasting my summer as I perceived last year to be but in truth, it’s in our time alone that we let go of our dependency on people. Dependency to grow, to feel joy, to go out and serve people. Or at least that’s my dependency. And it replaces the need to find those things in God. So as much as I’m going to miss seeing these men every day, I’m kind of glad we all get to take time off from seeing one another. I know my days at home will be more regulated by the sheer nature of MCAT studying and not having as many distractions around. 

7 weeks. 
2 elaborate birthdays.
scattered late night talks. 
15:20 3km run.
7 minute workouts.
~ 100 chapters. 
50,000 words committed.

small victories

It feels oddly satisfying to beat my old grade 8 record of running 3km in 20 minutes. I had really hoped that I hadn’t fallen back to that kind of athletic ability; I pretty much had no athletic ability and the biggest accomplishment of that cross country was not stopping. But I managed to pull 15:20 and considering it’s my first go at “long distance” in a while, I’m decently satisfied. Not sure if this will become a regular practice. I mean I’ve already got the science workout circuit everyday which is already quite a beating. I just hope that this desire to do exercise comes out of a proper heart because as much as image has never been too much of a problem for me, I know muscle building can be a…dangerous thing. 

On a completely random note, I know this video is circulating around on different Facebook things but it more than ever makes me want to be a dad. But then again, I know I’m far from learning a lot of the lessons that are…better had when being a father. I’m actually so excited. Haha let’s not get ahead of myself. There are pre-reqs. Like a wife. =P 

the video also reminded me of how much more I have to learn because when I think about it, I catch myself feeling like I “missed” things during a prayer meeting or when we get together in a circle and pray and it shows that my heart still hasn’t fully become accustomed to seeing God as father. Because if I did, I would just chuckle and approach God again when the thing came to mind. It doesn’t have to be said specifically during a “prayer time”. But that’s the Christian life isn’t it? Being renewed in our hearts and minds. 

Blacksmith in training

Nothing like a burnt pot and molten metal to remind me I’m not king of the kitchen. I may be the most willing to clean it, but it doesn’t entitle me to command it. And that’s something I need to be reminded of time to time.

As I bulk read Genesis and getting into Exodus, the recurring theme that I’m being shown is the impatience and self reliance of man. Seeing over and over again the impatience of the patriarchs and their wives in bearing children and trying to solve it with such sad solutions. So much pettiness. And Abraham’s mistake of not trusting in God’s providence for him and claiming Sarah to be his sister. I think I used to look at that and call them out on it in my head but now that I’m so reminded my own shortcomings, I simply look at it with sadness. And yet, amidst it all, God is so very faithful in His promises and continues to provide for the patriarchs. And when the Jewish forefathers are described in Hebrews, they ate still commended for their faith and not for their mistakes from lack of faith. Because in the end, most of them BIG risks. Build an ark. Go relocate entirely. Return to the place where there is a bounty on your head. All because God had promised. Maybe it didn’t take the time they thought it would. But who are we to judge that anyway?

it’s been a cold winter mile, maybe we should stay a while

I know it has been an unreal amount of time since I last posted considering my goal was to post every day. To be honest, the last while I’ve almost been scared to blog because I felt so little had happened. That I was wasting away and I was scared of coming to terms of it. And if anything, today was a reminder of that. A sermon about doing works that were profitable for the church but also for those that we find ourselves with outside of the church. We recently just started WoW (for me again) and it’s been very….dry. We kind of suck really badly and we haven’t really been doing much. I’m actually kind of glad we’re hitting the plateau where the games aren’t really fulfilling any more.

But I think the main thing is that I’m learning to admit that this summer is not going the way I had planned it. I’m still behind in MCAT albeit I do see my work habit increasing and bio is finally not an abyss of microbio and as much as I desired to be super intense in our mini-CCF meetings and with Pneumatos, I realize that’s something that takes time. To build a fellowship that has its members take ownership of the fellowship is a hard thing and takes both time and revelation. One of which I am utterly not in control. And that’s okay. And to come to terms with me STILL being behind and not being bogged down by shame. Because that’s probably what happened the last couple weeks. Not wanting to admit to people that I was a whole two weeks behind on the Bible reading plan. Or when I get the Joshua Project email every day it’s a reminder of all the 100 other ones that have been sent to my inbox and I haven’t really read them or prayed over that people group. It’s horrible. I know. But that’s where I am right now. And that’s okay because I’m not staying here. So really now, it’s desiring to actually find worthwhile and profitable things to do with my time other than just MCAT because that’ll have its time. 

So we do not lose heart. Though our outer self is wasting away, our inner self is being renewed day by day.

(2 Corinthians 4:16 ESV)

// on a side note, I’m beginning to fall in love with taking walks after dark. It sounds sketchy but it trumps biking in that I don’t have to think about where I’m going so much and I don’t have to be so watchful. so instead I can actually converse with God and the night is so tranquil without people around. I guess I have the benefit of being male too.

/// it seems that just about every time our house kind of sits and gets together, we talk a lot about throwbacks and raising our kids. don’t get me wrong it’s something I really enjoy because it shows where our hearts are outside of all the gaming and trolling that happens at the table. I think one thing is for certain: all our children will grow up reading. haha maybe one day I’ll show them whatever I produce from NaNoWriMo.

here in Your presence

everything bows before you. 

 

and again, after so many hours and days of feeling like I need to fix it up or accumulate back something, I end up broken honestly. A contrite and broken heart you do not despise. 

apparently I’m now chairing a club for next

apparently I’m now chairing a club for next year. that escalated quickly.

Looking far off

We love stories. The idea of writing a story ever since I was reminded of it has been so enticing. Coming up with character sketches and how the writing will happen, the point of view, the conflict, the resolution. Even in musical writing there’s so many possibilities. We love stories.

Sometimes I wonder why I’m so enticed by television. I mean at one point this year I watched eight or nine shows a week. Even with my friends who don’t watch TV, they watch other people play games. I never understood that either. I guess when you boil it down, it’s the same as TV. It’s someone else living their life.

But it’s so sad that I don’t see that I’m part of one of the most epic stories in the universe. And for all these wiki side tracks I go on to find out more about a fictional character, I am surrounded by characters. People who have elaborate back stories planned out by the greatest pen and author in history. True, you don’t find out about these stories without becoming involved. But isn’t that what we want anyway? We root for characters on screen anyway.
But the other problem with stories is that sometimes, they’re simply not real. I mean, we were brainstorming for musical and we had what seemed like a pretty good plot but then we realized that if everyone died then the characters who experience trauma. That the human mind doesn’t just rise above adversity so easily. Or the other example so often is that epic romances just aren’t so pretty. Even their fights look pretty. I mean usually it’s pretty people to begin with.
I don’t know where I’m going with this.

It stems off what’s been a recurring theme for ministry and leadership. This idea of vision. The desire to look at McMaster and see the vision of God’s people being united under one banner. To see Pneumatos not as it is now but what God desires for fellowship revealed in the Bible. Even to see EcoMentors connected with more than just one school. And then it goes full circle back to faith. I don’t see all that God is because I don’t try and see larger than what I see in front of me. I don’t put high hopes in things because I don’t see that God is so absolutely capable.

We live amidst the greatest story unfolding before our eyes.

God, give me eyes to see the prize. 

Rain, rain, go away

I look at the rain and I wonder if I could even be like Job
if I could bend my head and cry out in anguish to God
Or like David, write poetry of the depths of God’s love

Sometimes, I wonder if the pulsating of my chest is even a heart

Lord, break this hardened heart that has become so accustomed to deadened logic. The feeling of elation from your dancing is so far from me.

Mocking façades

He stares out the window
Waiting for the clock
Tick tock tick tock
Waiting for the world to move so he can see it
He’s out of time
The quota for laziness and distraction has been filled
Chose that way days ago
Got props from a remnant of a code left by a man he knows not

He looks back at the computer screen
his eyes are itching for new news. A new birthday, picture, text or phone. Just watches as the world develops.

But his mind is shattered,
broken into two warring factions, fighting for control of his conscious faculties.
He knows he was not made a spectator.
As if he was able to sit on some seat far above and watch people run a race.
No, he was made for that race and the only way you can watch is to sit.
And to sit is to forfeit. To watch other people achieve that which you set out to do.
He grows weary of his eyes. Feels the vanity of his situation. For all they seek is to consume.
As if by reading something happen, you became a participant. But no, you are simply a watcher.

He sees it all around,
“what shall we do?” they ask
without really desiring real work because their eyes have been so accustomed to white screens.
We were not made to consume but to cultivate.
to grow
to build
to produce

Insignificant is the particular form for that will come with time. Novels, poorly constructed verses, a hymn, a house. Seek to have your members healed.

He lifts his eyes again. Maybe he’ll start with people.

24 oceans

I know it’s been more than two weeks since I posted last. And there’s been a reason for that. I wanted to post with my thoughts gathered and each day led to the next with no time to actually collect all the thoughts. I realize, and I should, that there is never a day that has been caught up with everything. I may very well be all caught up in physics homework by tomorrow but that does not equate to anything else necessarily being in equilibrium. I’ll start with a quick but recurring lesson. Hearing py talk about what she learned in Luke, the woman who begged Jesus to heal her daughter. She knew that the crumbs were enough. It was her faith that Jesus commented on and rightly so. Reading through the past chapters on Abraham, a recurring theme is his lack of faith in the promises of God. He thinks he can cover himself by making hiding his wife’s true status or he takes up another wife when he cannot have children for a while even though God had promised him that his offspring would be like the dust and the stars. It is by faith that we are saved. Do not be double minded, doubting and callous. I’ll be honest, I’m slowly beginning to invest my time again into kingdom things. Taking a good deal of time and fighting it with minor victories, but that in itself is a grace. It’s been a good weekend.

catching up with the sun

I said I would write a long one tonight and that was always the plan but it turned out that this won’t be the case. At least not today. Hopefully tomorrow in my post-class hardcore work session but that will have to wait. But in the meantime, I’ll say that this summer is turning out to be…different from what I had thought it was. I think a part of it is God really putting in me a yearning for my home church and being part of how Pneumatos is growing. At the same time, there’s a massive focus on resting and not being continually around people because that’s the mode I’ve been on for so long. Seeking company but almost forgetting why I desire to share in people’s live. Why we even fellowship. What is fellowship. And to remember that apart from being fed and able to care for people, meeting up with people really ends up being chilling which is only fruitful to a point. Playing Minecraft for a couple hours each day helps with bonding but that was never the end goal. And so it was nice tonight to get to talk with sisters that honestly, I haven’t heard from in a while. Let’s see what tomorrow brings. I’m really excited to hear what God is doing in the summer people and who knows, maybe we will end up doing bowman anonymous care letters. 

There will be a nice long post tomorrow. Tonight, I embrace my bed.

How to love

But not like little Wayne.
God show me how to love people again. It’s been a while since I thought deeply about that. And show me how to love Alfred. I pray he would see more than just guys bonding over minecraft. But that more importantly he would see men who live out grace, who desire righteousness and who serve readily.

Grandfather time

Today in service I realized that I hadn’t done much surrendering in a while. That for the past couple weeks I had tried to figure stuff out and do it on my own schedule not necessarily neglecting God but not letting Him decide. Saying later. When the time is better. And now the “better” I kept telling myself is here. But what now? I’m a crummy user of time as shown by my past two days. I want my heart and mind to be filled with the work of God.
Also, if I ever get to that ripe old age of past 65, I want to be like that. Vibrant for the Lord and mentoring young folk and meeting with family. Not watching TV for half my day while I slowly lose kidney function.

A quiet day

Today went by much quicker than I had thought. Probably because I slept til noon and then did a practice MCAT. I probably should’ve taken longer but I was rather impatient or simply unknowing of the concepts. Still 24 is not a horrifying first score :P but I understand what Ben said now. It is draining and you feel like doing little else after writing an MCAT. But I am sure my endurance will increase as time goes on.
So I had the day to myself and although it wasn’t filled with whimsical bike rides and awesome meet ups, I think it was a necessary time of rest. I am thrilled that people are returning tomorrow and frosh are coming in. It feels like life has begun to stabilize. Or rather, I will be getting enough sleep. Maybe even enough to do the reading plan in the morning. *gasp*
Speaking of that, I started reading through Genesis today. Playing catch up on day 4 but there was something different while reading Genesis this time. Kind of like a sadness as I read through Adam and Eve’s sin. Maybe it’s the realization of how far that goes and to see that God truly does desire the good of those He loves. Even with Cain it was promised that God would be the one to protect him. And yet his prideful ancestor took it upon himself to murder an aggressor and declare his wrath more mighty. So I’m excited to see what God will continue to reveal as I read through such large chunks at a time.

In strange news, I think I will be asked to go on the Rwandaission trip. It’s a peculiar notion as I have yet to develop a  large heart for African countries. And the timing doesn’t seem to be right. A wedding to attend and writing the MCAT and I think I should be home this summer considering I’m gone for two months already and herniating for another. But we will see how the Lord leads me when the opportunity is presented.

I know. It’s been a couple days since

I know. It’s been a couple days since I posted.

It’s been a really hectic couple of days to be very honest and this in itself won’t be an incredibly long post. I’m exhausted after another “initial house” day. But it’s over now….for the most part. =P 

The past few days have been a blur but it has been characterized by spending a lot of time with my house mates. Whether that translates to spending 6 hours playing Minecraft with them or spending 8 hours physically hauling things from one house to another. It was a slightly nostalgic kind of feeling to have left the old house and made the final walk-through. It was so empty and stripped of all the life that we had known in it. It’ll always have a special place in my heart as the first student house we were in and there were a lot of memories there. But the new place is something different. Something very different indeed and I’m excited for God to really show us what He has planned for us this year. 

As much as the summer has officially started, I don’t think I’ve been able to quite find rest. Amidst the cleaning and moving and MCAT prep class there has also been a couple beautiful bike rides, a movie night, a few hours of LAN partying. But still not a time to sit down and just…soak in the word and to pray for longer than 5 minutes without falling asleep out of sheer exhaustion. I guess I haven’t been getting the most optimal sleep (partly because of the early class) but as much as I joke that I’m lonely tomorrow after Matt leaves, I think it’s important for me to be alone. To stop being around people so much and to remember who my Father is. 

I’m excited for the summer but like I said to my men, we can’t just fill it with stuff and forget to rest. A recurring theme God has been speaking louder and louder is to pray. Beginning with my return home for the week it was to pray for the the church. Pray for the friends who are going on missions. Pray for Pathways. Pray for the actual city. Pray for committee and the fellowship. 

There is such a need for me to sit and be still. 

also. as a very quick side note, I find these two absolutely adorable. They are a Christ-centred couple and they sing and they’re just so cute. ahhh. I know I won’t ever do this with my future girlfriend unless she is a musical genius. Because I am not. Oh the sad pandas. 

Cavalier

I’m not sure even sure if that’s the right word for it.
The past two days have felt like the most ridiculous days I have had. I mean that in the way where I actually don’t know where the time goes. And to a degree we have had nice house bonding over games and although it’s online, there is a sense of cultivating and building towards something. But at the same time, there’s so much else to be done. I’m not sure how people play games for all their life. Gaming houses that literally have a team on a game and they just….play.
I’m glad tomorrow is the return of my schedule actually demanding from me. Actual class to attend, homework to do and the monumental task of moving our entire house.

To be honest, I’m not sure what God had intended for me to see in the last two days. It probably has much to do with my reading of Ecclesiastes.

It’s terribly late and I’m very tired but for the sake of consistency…
If we aren’t careful we’ll fall into doing things just for the sake of doing them. That seems to be what my house is doing. Waiting for the next thing. Waiting for moving. Waiting for other people to become free and initiate things.

returning to a home

It feels almost bittersweet at this point. The thought of leaving and going back to Mac. And it’s so ironic because in the first few days, I couldn’t wait to go back to Hamilton. To pack, to coordinate moving, to spend time with housemates and be excited for the coming two months. It’s only in the past two days that I’ve begun to connect back to this place. Even being at Pneumatos today and having the prayer portion was God opening my eyes more to see the need in my home church. There are a lot of places for exciting growth and it was encouraging to see glimpses of that. But there’s also a lot of need in the usual places. Koinonia, Pathways, Children’s ministry, Pneumatos. I joked around that I will probably get pulled into doing VBC this year but it probably will actually end up happening. Not that I don’t enjoy it but it’s kind of a predictable aspect of the summer. =) 

Back on topic. Spending that hour and a bit with Sam reminded me of the connections that honestly took a pause during the school year. I won’t see Simon for very much before I go back in and py will be gone soon. And then there’s people that I want to meet up with and see how they are. People like sam gu and nat and…people. But I know I can’t do everything. And even when I’m back for two months I know it won’t be possible to do all the things I want to. But I think it’s more that in these last two days, God reminded me of the need to pray for MCBC even when I’m away. Because to be honest, I didn’t do much of that this year. 

This summer is shaping up to be one of a lot of quiet time it seems. Blue letter bible and seeing more and more things that God has a heart for. 

ghosts of our past

see little one, I always end up blogging around 2 am. =P

Today was a lot of God reminding me of the things that are happening at home. Not necessarily in my household but with MCBC and how things have evolved. How things have changed. 

Lunch with PY and Freddy was good mostly for catching up with Freddy since I’d been fortunate enough to talk to py before. It always encourages me how our church is finally starting mentorship even if it might be small. And after going to CCF, I realize now that it is REALLY different and it has propelled me into so much growth. Hearing Freddy talk about new things he learned about discipleship at his conference or what he’s learning from mentoring and really seeing those things already implemented at CCF is…refreshing. I’m glad to see that God has definitely been shaping and molding CCF over the many years to build a place where we seek discipleship and a fellowship that we all have responsibility in. Not to say we’re perfect but I’m glad we’re building towards that. I think talking about other things like differences in agreement amongst leadership and whatnot have shown me that I’ve grown as well in the sense where I’m a little more objective. Not to say I counter all the points presented but that I’m able to take both perspectives while holding onto my own theological views. So overall that was nice. I think we definitely need to spend more time kind of just catching up a bunch of things. I miss hanging out with them. The whole crew. 

Though the most impactful time happened while meeting with Rick and Liz. Honestly we were really just sitting there listening. Half the time I wasn’t sure if I was supposed to be there but I stayed any way. And I didn’t know most of the names being thrown around but I knew some. One of them was Marko for whom I had seen in my first trip and really wanted to see again during my second round back in Bloodvein. Back then I saw a rowdy boy who had a sliver of curiosity but it was so heavily masked by fear of being let down. And now to hear that he is a father at so young an age. At first I was really struggling with whether I was supposed to go back. I hadn’t intended for myself to go because it was pretty much MCAT summer and then I heard of the possibility of staying longer. For about 3 weeks after the week of camp. It was what I had wanted. To stay for longer and really begin to build into the community more. But I found out that the camp itself was roughly the last week of July and thus, staying would overlap with my MCAT write date. So maybe Bloodvein is not physically where I will be this year but something to think about. And overall hearing the update was an encouragement. I love being able to hear that they are beginning more mentorship-like things with the young adults there. I always felt like that was the trajectory that needed to happen but for a while I think the manpower wasn’t there. And I simply wasn’t old enough to implant myself into a town and begin fostering relationships. We’re not quite there yet. But many of the things that were brought up also caused great sorrow in me. To hear about Lucy and other children who I had interacted not too long ago with. To hear of so many in trouble criminally. Yesterday I had asked God to show me a mission to pray for. Today He gave me one. Not that I didn’t consider Pathways worth praying for before but it’s that He really reopened my eyes to the needs there. 

The last of the night was in Koinonia. It felt so strange to be honest because so many things that happened brought back memories. Memories of doing announcements and having hot seat and seeing worship practice last minute and even the awkwardness of youth as they stood and heard others worshipping. It was a bit surreal. And it’s not to say things have changed badly or whatnot but it’s that the needs change every year. A lot of the time it’s based on the kind of youth you end up with. This year they only had 3 cell groups and a high number of counsellors. But I could sense a lack of cohesion amongst the entire leadership team. Not to say we had it all figured out but I think that was one of our strengths. But it was good to see the inductive bible study model being used though it certainly needs more time. It was also really cool to see everyone in the group participating. I feel like we struggled with that in our day.

Now that I think about it, I’m so grateful for the freedom of time that comes with university. Simply being able to have freedom over which nights I’m free and being able to regulate my own schedule allows for so much opportunity for fellowship. It’s like Koinonia is trying to do everything in one meeting per week. And there will always be constraints from school and parents. But to see now that the reason we probably end so late every week in Koinonia is that we try to do large group worship + bible studies/feeding + accountability/discipleship all in one go. And in CCF, we have different things for that. DGs for discipleship. Fridays for more corporate building up. Prayer meetings for some serious time in long prayer. And so for that, I’m really thankful. I know I won’t always have that kind of freedom but it’s been a real blessing.  

I know this post is longer than usual but it comes down to God opening up my eyes. To see the work that He has done, the transformation of lives that have been done purely through Him. But also the continued work that needs to be put into the church and possibly what my July and August will look like. And it speaks of what God has been doing in me that I look at things from a third party view and see how the things He has taught me in the past two years are actually so essential. 

Vanity of vanities

There is no remembrance of former things, nor will there be any remembrance of later things yet to be among those who come after.
Ecclesiastes 1:10

We fight so hard for recognition. To be seen by other people and we hold our accomplishments high as if they will be associated with us. Our titles of leadership on our resumes. Building up titles on sheets of paper as if people will remember. But it’s actually useless. I feel stuck in that rut. Of what do I do? What can I do that is worth doing? In these few short days. And it seems a question only to ask in these days of transition between exams and the summer. Bit they extend to life yes? How do we spend the little years we have?

I chose to read through Ecclesiastes because I think I’ve lost some of that joy and reason as to why I read. Why I seek after God and not just waste my time on the internet.

And it’s so sad that Solomon wrote this. I read about him today as I did research about the division of Israel into two kingdoms. To see his tragic end and the outcome of his worldliness. He wrote these words. That everything is vanity and the world is filled with weariness. That we are to seek God because that is all that is meaningful. And yet his mind forgot it as he became more and more filled with the world. This world is suffocating us. The riches intoxicating and the instantaneous speed, distracting.

Oh that I would long for your words more than the words of this world. For there is no novelty in newness. That is old. How ironic.

It’s time I found a missionary to pray for.

Contexts

Firstly, I realize that if I blog everyday, even with alternating story writing, they’re going to be much shorter than I am used to. And I guess that’s alright. At least it’s not as short as twitter. Would probably be out of characters by now.

Something I realize is that I’m probably so bored at home because the way I’ve learned to serve in the past two years is so different from how I need to serve at home. At Mac I’m used to cleaning, cooking, vacuuming, sitting on people’s beds and chatting. But that doesn’t happen here. I can’t really cook because my parents do it faster and better than I do. There’s not much to clean because my house is inherently clean, and people aren’t often free to just sit and talk about stuff. That’s also not the way that our family relates. But that is for another time. No, instead, the way I need to show love here is learning to speak truth and affirmation. Something that I don’t very much because I’ve gotten away with hands-on serving for so long. And it’s something I’ll have to really seek out when I’m back for the longer period of 2 months.
Additionally, it’s something I’ll need to learn for DG leading and committee. Not everyone receives love the same way. I know it. Now time to work it out.

longings for a steel city

my heart feels like I’m simply counting down the days until I return back to Hamilton. 

And I know it’s not supposed to be this way. I’m supposed to be back and spend time with family, MCBC people and have a time of rest before I get thrown back in. 

But that’s not how the past 3 days have been. And maybe it’s a foreshadowing to what it’ll feel like when I’m back here for good. But it won’t right? Because then I’ll know with certainty that I’ll be here for a while. Instead of the transitive state that I find myself in. 

I know that this is supposed to be a useful 5 days. Even if most of my friends aren’t back from university or my sister is gone half the day. I just need new eyes to see it. Because as excited as I am for moving and cleaning, I know the novelty of it all will pass away. It’s like Ecclesiastes to a degree. Everything under the sun is vanity. The new will always pass and novelty will lose its flavour. 

So God, I ask for bigger eyes to see what you would have me do. A lot can happen in 5 days. 

we all return to dust. or our blogs.

I always say this after a long hiatus from blogging. That it’s been a while. And while they’re all true, I think I say that with the intention that this time I’ll get back into it. And as many of you can probably see, my good intentions don’t translate to solid habits. haha sermon reference. but in all honesty, it hasn’t usually worked out. Even putting it as a quick link on my phone helped a bit. But in the end, it’s been probably at least a month since my last post. 

this summer I’m actually planning to blog everyday. You can hold me to it. those who actually know me. I know this blog is read by people from the internet and to you I say hello. not that I really write with an audience in mind. 

I’ve found that blogging reminds me of the wonder that I experience. Reminds me of the things that God is doing and thus, reminds me of the joy that is mine. It opens my eyes to how God proclaims His name before me and how He showers His goodness all over me. 

Moses said, “Please show me your glory.” And he said, “I will make all my goodness pass before you and will proclaim before you my name ‘The LORD.’ And I will be gracious to whom I will be gracious, and will show mercy on whom I will show mercy.
(Exodus 33:18-19 ESV)

And I’m going to start a story. About a boy who has a very wandering mind but who still still imagines a lot out of the world. I’ve missed creative writing. Haven’t done it truly freely since a time in high school when I pretty much jacked a friend’s story and continued it. And before that I wrote chapter books in grade 3. Those were some good days. 

Thus, this is like the beginning post of the summer. A lot of new things ahead. 

But say, if God wills it….

I’ll say that I’m surprised that I didn’t get it. And I had almost been looking at a lot of things through the fact that I’d end up as pathogen and that I was learning how to be in that social space. But it turns out that wasn’t the plan. And in itself, it is the lesson in independence. And part of me is upset but most of it is trying to see what else I will he doing and also to be glad for Johnny who, I think will grow a good deal from it.

I think one of the biggest things right now is why I didn’t make it. That my personality was polarizing to the interviewers. Thought it was because I didn’t say enough in the second interview but it was actually because I’m too polarizing. My laugh at the end of the scenario made one of the interviewers uncomfortable. And I’d love to explain that I know how to control myself but that’s how interviews go.

2 Timothy 4:5

2 Timothy 4:5 ESV

As for you, always be sober-minded, endure suffering, do the work of an evangelist, fulfill your ministry.

A night to remember

Just got home from probably one of the longest nights but growing nights ever.
Last show of musical was tonight. Musical as a whole has been a really crazy experience in that it involved a lot of growing in many ways. Learning to open myself up more to random people, and really it felt more like a family this year. Plus apparently someone gave feedback to Mark as "Chris fit in this year!" In reference to my dancing ability. It wasn’t so low :P

But its also interesting to see how much this community means to people. How they can’t imagine the days without it and I look and I can honestly say that I have deeper community at CCF and in general, the church at large. Not to mock musical or belittle it. Its beautiful. But to see people desire a small sense of community.

But after musical was the after party. And I entered at first feeling awkward. People were playing beer pong, lord of the rings was awkwardly playing, and nobody I really knew was there yet. I was in a pretty whiny state and I was just texting people. But as more people came, I began to see. Firstly, there’s a couple frosh that didn’t drink. So I hung out with them. And I’m not sure where the whole night went. I thoroughly enjoyed walking people outside the most. But seeing the interactions with people and how I am to be. Not just some person sitting off to the side drinking water. But to engage and love people. So hard. And it capitalized in the form of probably Maggie and Josh. Maggie because I wasn’t sure how to interact with her in a way that was more than simply looking awkwardly as she did semi-drunk things. And for Josh, it was wondering how to even talk to him as he sat on the sidewalk puking and drooling and only coherent in mutters. It was really then that I sat and prayed for God to show me how. How to love.

Most of my role tonight was doing things. As is usual. Getting water for drunk people was a big one. Walked two sets of people home. Still feeling odd about it since it’s not that common of a custom outside CCF. And talking with Ben, I realize it is important to say the reasoning behind it rightly.

Another thing I really have to articulate is why I don’t drink. To bring glory to God in that. Not just because it tastes bad. And when asked if it’s for religious reasons I say no. Which is in part true. Jesus drank wine and he was fine. But now I see it’s because I am to be sober minded and while I could do that completely while consuming moderate alcohol, I just love it more while sober. And sober is the best state to be to intentionally serve people. To be on the look out for how to honor people. Really something to think about.

Why this is of any importance?
Because there’s a chance I’ll get Pathogen and have to go to house parties. And apart from that, it’s learning how to be more than just nice but to do for the glory of God.

Strange walls and redesigned hymns

I haven’t posted in a long time. And this one won’t be long because I have to go soon.

The last week has been a nasty kind of blur with school and catching up after going for the reading week trip. A lot of things happening and clumped together. And then I have something like 20 hours of rehearsal during the weekend and then 4 days of the actual performance + dress rehearsal. But it’s so beautiful to see that amidst all of that, God is giving me reason for excitement and seeing His Kingdom.

Firstly there’s committee. We’ve had our first meeting and we have a meeting tonight. And as much as I have heard hesitations from some people about the other members, I’m overall really excited. And to read my thoughts on it during reading week, it’s a reminder that God can use for so much more than we anticipate and can imagine. There are much greater things in store for His people than they could have imagined. So that’s a source of joy in itself. To see the differences in our hearts and that’s a wonderful thing. 

I also got to talk to Ken one on one this week. Clarence was sick and so it was just the two of us. It’s really cool to think I’ll be here in the summer and that I’ll be able to spend time with him. Not like every day but even meeting with him weekly and being able to talk to something akin to a mentor. And it’s so interesting and wonderful to see how God works in different ways once we’ve reached a different life stage. 

Evangelism came up today. Apparently as I’m in the cafe right now, Eunice has alerted me that there is a Chinese man with a bunch of other Chinese men preaching the Gospel. And really being reminded to pray for them and to pray for God’s hand and power in every place because His work happens in such random places. Such random places. But how awesome that is. And to hear the opportunity that she has received. A beautiful gift and a reminder that amidst the tumult that is school, there is still so much Kingdom work ahead of us. 

So thank you God. For bringing me joy and allowing me to see your work despite being so easily taken away by school. And thanks for reassuring me that marks aren’t all that important. I know it. But I need to hear it once in a while. 

The school year is coming to an end soon. And there’s still so much left to do. So much I desire to do. But it is God who gives us time and it is for Him to take away and for Him to give. 

 

p.s. those hymns I was talking about: http://pagecxvi.com/jubilee/

A week of reading the world and being reminded of how to sow

Day 1 – they went away saying that God had done great things among them

It’s been a pretty rough kind of two days. More mentally than anything else. The bus ride was a lot of TV. Community (which is the most random show ever), lord of the rings 3 and 21. Nothing significant but a lot of just lofting and letting my mind die. Tried studying but that didn’t really work on the moving vehicle.

 

The group is very different this year. Firstly, there are like 7 second year health scis alone out of the 25. It’ll be interesting since we know them so well. One the biggest things on this trip this time is being bold. Especially if either of us ends up leading devos. Being honest, it’s been hard to find time to pray alone or actually do devos. I’m doing it now as I lay in bed.

 

To prevent rambling I’ll just conclude with two things:

 

I haven’t thought much about committee next year. I accepted before coming because I felt the past two days has been God really affirming that He has destined us for far more than we can imagine. And there’s grace in this. I’m excited though. To see the rest of the team and to see how God will reveal himself in amazing ways.

 

Pray for a heart fixed  on Christ. Studying is a recurring theme of this trip already. Watched six lectures today. Productive but I pray it would not be the focus for Johnny and I. For there is more than we can imagine.

Take up the call

For God has called us to so much more and to be in this world not with timidity so we can live until heaven. But with the power that comes with being sons and co-heirs with Christ.

I don’t know if I’m fearing right now. I’m more excited. Haven’t even sent in an email. But I’m excited to see how He will use this for His glory because it’s always for Him anyway. Always.

We have the words of God graven in our hearts.

So whether we serve Him here or there, it matters not. For in neither place does God need me but it is for grace and more joy that He lets us join Him. That Jesus tells Peter to feed his sheep. Despite his failure to reciprocate Jesus’ love. And He tells him that he will die for it. And then he says ‘follow me’.

And doesn’t it sound mad? Following Jesus til death. Like the man who sells everything he has for the field because he KNOWS that it’s so much more worthy. He counted the cost and saw that it was worth it.

Nothing this side of death is more worth it than Christ. To have Christ is no less than to have everything and Christ. For the two are synonymous.

There is grace as well if we fail. So rise up men. Wake up those who slumber for there is great work to be done. Great work of Christ that requires your life. Running a race to win. Fighting the good fight. Walking the narrow road. Walking with only a a lamp unto my feet. But I can see the distance and it’s the most beautiful inheritance in the universe.

Healing

He healed Simon Peter’s mother in law and immediately she got up and served.
To desire healing for myself and for others so that we may do more of the Lord’s work. Not because we have to but because it’s the darn best thing this side of eternity.
Not just desiring healing so we can move on and fell happy again.
Wisdom begins with the fear of the Lord. With seeing a glimpse of who He is.

Caverns of white

What does it mean to do specific parts of God’s kingdom work now while our bodies are still capable?

Excuse the randomness. I just awoke

broken worlds

every time I am refreshed with the Lord where I am and just when I begin to get too comfortable in Hamilton,

my parents always seem to explode in all out war. I am continually reminded of how broken the world is. of the need to pray. and the need for Christ. 

A night to remember indeed

Tonight was the first night in a long time that I was thrown into the world. Loud music. Seeing drunk people. Boys and girls all I over each other. It was so foreign. Almost like prom.
But the difference was that this time I had a purpose for staying. It’s not to say that I didn’t have a bit of fun, but that I am in the midst of this to be light. To love. To walk girls home or talk to people sitting down and kind if away.

I think this was a taste of what it might be like if I do become a pathogen. Because that’s the culture of welcome week.

And just being in child health, I think this might happen more often than I anticipate.

I removed the choice of being selfish when I died with Christ.

joy from the truth

there’s a lot I could write. but I think I won’t do that thing where I spit out 1000 words and it turns into this stream of consciousness. and I hope this isn’t because I know people are reading it. but because there’s really not all that much to say. 

When it comes down to it, the Lord is disciplining me. In a wonderful way.   I think a lot of it is showing my heart the passion He had first placed in me. The one I feel like I keep being reminded of. And it’s actually really funny how things turned out tonight. Meeting Mr. CY and being reminded to set my mind on that which God has called me. Just because it’s on pause for them doesn’t mean it’s on pause for us. And even more, there is a massive need to seek God’s face together as men. As sons seeking to be men. 

And ultimately, I’m glad that they’re growing. At this point I mean the girls. I know I sound really cryptic but that’s because I don’t think using names does any benefit. And it’s not in reference to one girl in particular. But to see in a couple ways this week how they’re growing. To see one’s wisdom and living out the kind of restraint that comes with speaking slowly and quick to listen. To see another desire rebuke for a sister out of love. To see another desire wisdom and be willing to accept it, even if she does extend it a little brusquely. To see another’s relationship with another sister. And I don’t say that they’re perfect. There are many ways I desire them grow. To see aspects of God: His grace, His power, His faithfulness, His unfailing love. And they sound a little cliche but how vastly they change everything. 

But I think it’s a sign from the Lord to take my leave. And it’s a nice push. Almost the same way that my fellow brother is being pushed. Not as forcefully but I think with the same intent. Restoration of my relationship with Clarence. Building into the frosh. Building into the sopha men. 

Today’s sermon was like a shout: See my heart. Open your eyes. See my heart. 

And the more I think about it, there is a part of my heart that gnaws a bit. But at the same time, it’s seeing how beautiful God is in disciplining and guiding me. Little promptings of the Spirit in my heart. Giving me opportunity to simply set a time with a brother to talk. How good God is. How beautiful His dancing. 

The unnecessary hero gets caught up with a princess that doesn’t need saving and forgets what he was supposed to do in the first place. 

Be thou my vision

The light of life

How you desire to be a father and see your children grow. And you’re studying children. And yet in your heart you hesitate to speak against the genocide of so many.
Be strong in the Lord’s work and claim His kingdom for him.

You desire truth in my innermost being

Behold, you delight in truth in the inward being,
and you teach me wisdom in the secret heart.
(Psalm 51:6 ESV)

He desires that you be transformed and that your misconceptions and fears and the lies be gone so that He can fill you with truth. About who He is. About who you are. 

How beautiful that is. 

And I’m really excited for where these little meetings will go. I’m glad that we’re in very separate domains. Not because it’s weird if we were together but because it means it’ll be really cool hearing where God is leading each of us in our individual ministries. Him with other Christians and me with the sopha and frosh men. Really excited for what God will do there. And seeing God’s desire for a restoration of our relationship. And it’s not like I haven’t felt that for a while but this really puts it into motion. And pushes me past the fears. And it was freeing to simply bring out what had happened and to speak of it plainly. That it was real. The separation was real. But it’s time to move on. 

 

In other news, the Lord is teaching me to be clear. Clear with my intentions. Particularly with a daughter’s heart. And some people seem to think I’m in a precarious situation. But nothing’s really changed. I’m angry at neither of them. Because I’ve been on both ends. In my own little way. So some things need to be different. More clarification in one place. More grace and prayer in another. Prayer in both. Silly me. But when it comes down to it, it’s walking with them both.

 

Oh and I’m loving listening to hymns. It’s not reinventing the wheel. But I love their pace. Letting the words sink and to call out in praise. 

http://noisetrade.com/andrewlaparra

One Spirit

Isn’t it mind blowing that the person of the Holy Spirit who was in and transforming Paul is the very same person dwelling in us now. We don’t have some weak, diluted version. But the same. That when Paul proclaims that his betrayals, shipwrecks, jailings, loneliness are light and momentary struggles, it is the same Spirit who is working in us. Who is giving us freedom and we will one day join Paul in saying that these are light and momentary struggle.

The same Spirit that humbled the proud.
The same Spirit that showed Paul where to minister.
The same Spirit that brought forth such great joy.

2 Corinthians 4:16-18 ESV

So we do not lose heart. Though our outer self is wasting away, our inner self is being renewed day by day. For this light momentary affliction is preparing for us an eternal weight of glory beyond all comparison, as we look not to the things that are seen but to the things that are unseen. For the things that are seen are transient, but the things that are unseen are eternal.

A culture of repentance

Firstly, I think this is the first time I’ve heard a legit black guy preaching. And it is so very interesting at some parts. 

http://www.thevillagechurch.net/sermon/a-culture-of-repentance/

But honestly, it was a conviction of the need to dig deep and deeper into my own sin. And it’s easy to see the symbolism of light in the new testament and to ask God to shine light in my darkness. But to actually see the darkness in my life and to see the weight of it. And then look at the cross. 

I think a lot of times we like to talk in DG about our struggles and what to pray for. And at least for myself, I don’t bring up enough my struggle with sin. I bring up the struggle of spending time with the men and being intentional. But in hand with that is my sin of pride. My sin of omission. My sin of laziness. 

He who is forgiven much, loves much. 

And I love how after repentance. After the acknowledgement of his own sin and the acknowledgement of who God is, THEN he says he will teach transgressors. How important it is to see my own sin and God’s acting of grace before I approach any desire to teach the frosh or to lead the sopha men. 

Have mercy on me, O God,
according to your steadfast love;
according to your abundant mercy
blot out my transgressions.
Wash me thoroughly from my iniquity,
and cleanse me from my sin!

For I know my transgressions,
and my sin is ever before me.
Against you, you only, have I sinned
and done what is evil in your sight,
so that you may be justified in your words
and blameless in your judgment.
Behold, I was brought forth in iniquity,
and in sin did my mother conceive me.
Behold, you delight in truth in the inward being,
and you teach me wisdom in the secret heart.
Purge me with hyssop, and I shall be clean;
wash me, and I shall be whiter than snow.
Let me hear joy and gladness;
let the bones that you have broken rejoice.
Hide your face from my sins,
and blot out all my iniquities.
Create in me a clean heart, O God,
and renew a right spirit within me.
Cast me not away from your presence,
and take not your Holy Spirit from me.
Restore to me the joy of your salvation,
and uphold me with a willing spirit.

Then I will teach transgressors your ways,
and sinners will return to you.
Deliver me from bloodguiltiness, O God,
O God of my salvation,
and my tongue will sing aloud of your righteousness.
O Lord, open my lips,
and my mouth will declare your praise.
For you will not delight in sacrifice, or I would give it;
you will not be pleased with a burnt offering.
The sacrifices of God are a broken spirit;
a broken and contrite heart, O God, you will not despise.
(Psalm 51:1-17 ESV)

 

Create in my a clean heart O God. You desire to transform me. To fill my life with conviction of who You are. And who I am in reference to that. 

 

 

Evidence of change

The good person out of the good treasure of his heart produces good, and the evil person out of his evil treasure produces evil, for out of the abundance of the heart his mouth speaks.
Luke 6:45

That verse really came into my heart from prayer meeting and seeing the way I spoke to Colin that day.

And I can see it in how God is putting me in conversations with brothers and sisters. If our heart is on the kingdom, we will speak of the kingdom.
And really, it’s a testament to God’s grace and transformational work in my life. Because a few years ago, I don’t think I’d respond in the same way. Praise God.

.

I understand what he meant about a push. And how it’s good.
And in other news, I’m glad that I have such brothers to fellowship with. To share in burdens and spur to carry loads.

The wrong end

Just realized. We always say that Christianity isn’t about going to heaven. It’s probably because our culture has messed up heavens and angels so they’re about us. But that’s right. And it’s not even just theologically but also if you think about it, we go to heaven BECAUSE that’s where God is. It’s that we get to spend eternity with God.

Why be a "Christian" if all you want to do is go to heaven? Do you know who is in heaven? God. And if you don’t want to spend time with him now, what makes you so set on heaven where you’ll be with Him for eternity.

And if He’s worth all your affection after you leave this earth, isn’t He worth everything right now?

keep your eyes on the prize. hold on.

 

But we have this treasure in jars of clay, to show that the surpassing power belongs to God and not to us. We are afflicted in every way, but not crushed; perplexed, but not driven to despair; persecuted, but not forsaken; struck down, but not destroyed; always carrying in the body the death of Jesus, so that the life of Jesus may also be manifested in our bodies. For we who live are always being given over to death for Jesus’ sake, so that the life of Jesus also may be manifested in our mortal flesh. So death is at work in us, but life in you.
Since we have the same spirit of faith according to what has been written, “I believed, and so I spoke,” we also believe, and so we also speak, knowing that he who raised the Lord Jesus will raise us also with Jesus and bring us with you into his presence. For it is all for your sake, so that as grace extends to more and more people it may increase thanksgiving, to the glory of God.
So we do not lose heart. Though our outer self is wasting away, our inner self is being renewed day by day. For this light momentary affliction is preparing for us an eternal weight of glory beyond all comparison, as we look not to the things that are seen but to the things that are unseen. For the things that are seen are transient, but the things that are unseen are eternal.

(2 Corinthians 4:7-18 ESV)

These things are happening in us right now. Today. That as I am walking around, my outer self is wasting away but I am being renewed. Day by day. Today. Tomorrow. Yesterday. Let us believe that which has been written. And claim the promises God has made. The assertions of who we are in Christ. Of the victory Christ has attained by his blood. 

Even though I am wasting away and outwardly my body is tired, the Lord is shaping me more and more like Christ today. Today is not a day to waste. 

 

Urbana 12: Deny Yourself

I realize I never really wrote about Urbana

Here’s the chart. Have fun =)

https://docs.google.com/file/d/0Bx4GY0LbIe8GREVQdDZFOVRfWjQ/edit